I thought I'd document my thoughts on monday night's two hour second straight night of 24 because of all the thoughts i had in the massive portion of my week i devoted to Jack Bauer.  This is what came out:

The following takes place between 8:00pm and 10:00pm

Thoughts occur in real time.

8:00pm: Am I excited that 24 is back after a layoff that made LOST’s layoff look like a smoke break?  Sure.  Am I excited I’m spending four hours in the past two days to watch it?  Not really.  Sure 24 has to have a lot of episodes during their season (somewhere around 24 right?) but doing the fake 24 premiere about a month ago that tricked me into thinking it was the actual season premiere but instead just a lot of explosions in Africa, and then making me watch four hours of FOX commercial breaks is just cruel.

8:01pm: 24 is a show you actually have to pay attention to, I mean you could just watch to see how often Jack’s voice goes into raspy-I’ve-been-smoking-for-more-years-than-I’ve-been-alive whisper in someone’s earlobe, but if I space out to write a sentence or think about how I could get into CTU I miss entire plot twists.  I wonder if CTU exists…hmmm…

8:04pm: I don’t know how they elected this Madam President.  I don’t have anything against a female president, but she’s just too nice, seeming like the caring mother whose turn it is to drive the kid’s to daycare/run a national security crisis.  I just would picture Hilary Clinton making a call on a security issue and threatening to castrate everyone in the room like she did her husband.

8:09pm: This head of the FBI gentleman is clearly the head coach of the JV team for the Eden Hall Warriors prep team.  You know, the team that played Varsity to a thrilling victory with their scholarships on the line orchestrated by a coach turned re born lawyer Gordon Bombay after losing their team captain because he didn’t want to play defense only to have him return after a series of practical jokes on the clearly in their 30s Varsity team a few roller blading montages and meeting a smart chick who doesn’t like sports?  What do you mean you don’t remember Mighty Ducks 3?

8:10pm: Jack just took out Tanner the shooter and met with the Freckled Wonder and put on glasses he found in a coke deal in 1973.  Seriously, Jack Bauer makes everything look cool.  I half expect him to start interrogating Tony with a pin wheel hat and a pair of swimmies on and I’ll still think it’s appropriate attire for a rogue secret agent.

8:14pm: FBI agent Renee Walker is so freckly wonderful, which makes me think of whether or not attractive women work for FBI or is it just a collection of Janeane Garofalo’s and Chloe’s.

8:22pm: Head of CTU Bill looks like an albino senior citizen and I can’t stop thinking about at what point will my facial hair be completely white and whether or not it will be cool to rock a five o’clock shadow or will I just look like I need to be in an assisted living environment.

8:23pm: OK I lied about thoughts occurring in real time.  I DVR’d 24 and am watching it about an hour after it started airing in order to escape the onslaught of FOX commercials that include heartwarming American Idol previews that make me wonder if American citizenship will one day require trying out for American Idol at least once in your life.  Do they pay all those people to show up?  Do they go to an Ohio State football game, scream “Go Buckeyes!” and just place like three people with guitars in the foreground to make it look like they’re there for American Idol?  Seriously in one of those screenshots the state of Rhode Island tried out.  Whole state population.  I’m angry.

Also the best thing about DVR’ing shows is watching commercials in fast forward and then randomly hitting pause to see what you stop on.  Currently I’m stuck on a Quizno’s commercial which seems normal enough with their taste testing methods on a crowded busy street with smoke dust and dirt getting all over 700 freshly toasted yesterday subs, yet the best part about this screenshot is I just so happened to pause right when it says in tiny print “paid consumer testimonials”.  Now I may be naïve but how is this an effective method to sell me sandwiches.  Why am I going to pay attention to what blonde woman in scarf thinks about the 6 pounds of roast beef she just put in her mouth?  Oh and you paid her to tell you that?  Bring back Michael Clarke Duncan’s voice.  Now I’m fast forwarding through the local news preview “Is your water population contaminated by puppies? More after 24”.  Back to Jack.

8:36pm: I can’t take Chloe seriously.  I’m sorry I can’t.  Every season I see her I just wonder how she got this job, and how, if there really is only a three person operation to take down a global conspiracy at the highest level, she got involved. To take down this infiltration we’ll need the head of CTU, a rogue undercover agent gone good, and this mousey girl who looks like she has to poop when she’s worried, and she’s always worried.  What’s that Janeane Garofalo?  Yes exactly, we’ll need your pointless services too.

8:42pm: The President’s husband has a ton of free time.  He is the most annoying storyline of the show so far.  A close second though is…

8:43pm: Janeane Garofalo is clearly the most annoying employee at the FBI. I bet she has lunch alone.  Do FBI agents even get lunch breaks?  Do they track a terrorist cell group and then stop for 30 minutes to enjoy freshly toasted subs from Quizno’s? 

8:51pm: Took about 8 minutes for me to realize the sarcastic desk jockey at the FBI who everyone will hate but will love because of his caring heart of gold is actually Billy Walsh from Entourage.  He has that I-have-to-shave-between-takes look about him.  I can relate.

8:52pm: The dad from American Pie just led the security team into the interrogation room to check on the coach of the Eden Hall JV Ducks.

8:54pm: I am falling in love with this freckly freckled FBA agent.  I vote for a spin off where she just walks around in the hallways talking about FBI incidents but the camera never leaves her.   Text the number 24 on your AT&T wireless device to vote for Freckles.

9:07 pm: If I see another commercial about House I’m going to contract a mysterious disease.  Seriously what is the attraction of all of these shows that start with a problem, throw in witty comments, solve the problem, see you next week.  Law and Order has been doing this method since the phonograph and I can’t stand the likes of House and CSI New York through Fargo and any other show that has a crime and then solves it with no continuity in any story except characters leaving to do other formats of the same show.  I swear every time I watch FOX I should get my blood pressure checked.  All I need now is Joe Buck.

9:09pm: So Tony really was dead, for about the length of a FOX commercial break, and now he’s bitter, alone, and a patriot turned terrorist turned patriot.  At what point does he turn actual terrorist again?  At what point does he die again?  At what point do awkward moments with him and Jack stop?

9:14pm: Billy Walsh is so pissed at work.  I would be too if I was chained to a desk with some anxiety trendy glasses chick always buzzing over my shoulder and Super Freckles walking awesomely by in fabulous pant suits.  In. Love.

9:22pm: Simon Cowell has chicklets for teeth.

9:34pm:  It took me a while to process the story as to why Jack is helping Chloe’s Gang of Freedom Fighters.  Also, is there smiling allowed on 24?  No one ever smiles, not even in a sarcastic way.  And people love whispering.  I’m waiting for one character to be like you want me to do what? I can’t hear your baritone whispering Jack.

9:36pm: Jack and Tony are at the house together.  Chloe looks like she has to poop.

9:37pm: Bill looks like a post gastric bypass surgery Santa Claus.

9:38pm: Jack is officially on the Bad Guys team now.  Do things like this really happen?  I’m in the zone.  One sentence at a time from here on out.

9:41pm: I don’t care if the President’s husband storyline is the most important storyline of the show; if it doesn’t include guns or Jack directly then I don’t care.

9:46pm: Freckly Freckle is no longer playing by head coach’s non torture rules.  I don’t know if I like her losing her innocence this early in the show.  She’s now interrogating Tanner in the hospital by jabbing a gun into his side and cutting off his air supply.  Text 24 to your AT&T wireless device to vote for Freckles to torture Janeane Garofalo instead.

9:52pm: It’s Remy!  Mr. Ecko’s brother from LOST!  Where’s Mr Ecko?  Is there a grab bag of network primetime actors needed for African roles?  I feel like I’ve seen every one of these men in various movies like Congo and Operation Dumbo Drop.

9:54pm: I would fill my own safe room with TVs and computers and food.  Basically a reinforced concrete enclosed version of my living room.

10:00pm: I like the start to this season of 24.  There’s a good mix of characters and the storyline was shaky at first but Jack being a bad guy (yes that’s how I refer to them) makes up for a few storylines I’m spacing out to (basically everything with the President and her husband).  If Jack Bauer was an athlete he’d be Brett Farve of two years ago, pre worried-about-legacy time.  Hopefully Jack doesn’t stretch out this season too much like Brett did.  I’ve got to go though; I’m making the Chloe face.