By Jim Kelly Jr.

In any guy’s life there are a few friends who have nicknames that just stick. You know the kind of nickname that causes you to introduce that person to your other friends, relatives, professors, or authorities as something supremely awkward like “Boner”. To you it isn’t weird- it’s what you’ve called the guy for 8 years, and for 8 years you’ve explained why you call him that to every girlfriend, parent, teacher, or judge who’s asked.

Every guy has those friends.

As for me I never really had a nickname outside the three letter first name I go by. The “Big Cat” portion of my name came from a pen name, and no one really called me that unless they didn’t know me at all (questions like “you’re Big Cat?”), until they were introduced to me and then called me Jim. Thrilling I know. But I have more than a few friends who landed nicknames that have lived on through the trials and tribulations of collegiate life to the trials and tribulations of the 20 something era when you still act like you’re in collegiate life but now have to go somewhere every day that pays you money. To me those guys will always have their nicknames; always kept alive by force if anything.

So what makes a good nickname then? Well first off you can’t make up your own. That’s like me making a proclamation like You know MySpace Tom? Yeah? Call me that. Call me MySpace Tom. That’s not how you get people to call you by a nickname that’s how you get people not to call you. It’s a useless effort, like trying to be the best looking person with leprosy. Five year olds get away with this method by forcing people to call them Batman or Elmo for a month or so until they move on to something else. You can’t.

A nickname has to come from a friend, an enemy, a stranger, a celebrity; it just has to come from someone. You can try Chris Berman nicknames: like Tommy “Don’t Call Me Thomas” Patterson, or a real one like Well Dressed Amani Toomer for example. The problem with this method is introducing him to anyone you know, say a girl you met at the bar, will instantly make you look like an idiot. The guy with the nickname won’t look bad, you will for trying to get this person to call him by something that is like a sentence. The worst is forcing a nickname that everyone but you knows just doesn’t work, and you’re oblivious to it, like requesting an ABBA song and not knowing it attracts gay people to you. You have to make sure that your other guy friends are going to use it too, or else you’re just the creepy guy who calls your friend Toilet Water while everyone else calls him John.

The most common nicknames come from last names, as anyone named Rodriguez knows, mainly because they are just plain easy. But what is the fun in that? Where’s the fun in calling your buddy Steve S-Rod, or your buddy Gus Woodson Woody? The good nicknames are ones that have stories behind them, and usually constitute the name being disliked by the guy yet him still responding to it, like Turd Fredricks, or Dumbo Jones. You’ve got to find something that clicks. If he looks even remotely like a celebrity, preferably an ugly fat one, then you’ve got to exercise that option and call him Jon Lovitz (Lovitz for short of course) or if he’s large and outgoing call him Tommy Boy. The idea isn’t that the nickname is supposed to bring him praise and fame, but rather you’re supposed to laugh every time someone uses it. It’s like continuously making fun of your friends for years, so much so that their own mother refers to them as Grimace. Then you have succeeded.

The reason I bring this whole topic up is that KLo, a buddy of mine who’s name comes from a JLo-like mixture of his own name, mentioned the anatomy of the nickname, and why I have given so many out and so many have stuck to our collegiate friends, not to mention one of the best nicknames in sports, Pacman Jones, just decided to be called Adam. The secret to the nickname is simple: you have to use it. Say your buddy’s name is Joe, but one time he got extremely drunk, pee’d his pants, and threw up in a potted plant. The next day you talked about it at 2pm in Wendy’s over $13 worth of fast food each and came up with the fact that you’ll call him Pots. Now the trick is not to stop this. Call him Pots, have your friends call him Pots, have your parents refer to him as “what’s Pots majoring in?” and have your professors asking “do I have a Pots in this class?”. Start to morph it to Potsie, then find your lone, out casted, mad-at-the-world red headed friend and call him Richie Cunningham, and that greasy guy you know call him the Fonz. Then you’ve succeeded. You’ve turned a meaningless Thursday night drinking fest into a name that you’ll introduce your children to when your they meet Pots’ children at some barbecue when you’ve lost all your hair and he’s on his third wife. Poetic isn’t it.

Guys like Pacman Jones try to abandon their nicknames, for a bad reputations or just a change of pace, but once you’ve been introduced and responded to a name that’s it. Now the world will just call him Adam "Don't Call Me Pacman" Jones, as they've already started. There’s no going back. If an entire party knows you as Spoons you can’t tell them the next day at work at your name is Jonathan, even if they know it is, you will forever be a utensil to them.

So that’s the idea. If you’ve got a nickname embrace it. If you’re giving them out don’t let them die. Let your children call your friends Uncle Spanky or Spork, but wait a few years to tell them why. The anatomy of the nickname lives on through names like Moose and Slater, but it'll be up to those around them to keep them going.

This way, every guy will always have those friends.

Jim Kelly Jr. empties the inbox and answers reader's questions. Some questions are serious, some are asked from the "athlete's" point of view, all are answered. You can chime in to Jim Kelly Jr. at JimKellyJr@gmail.com

Time to answer a few questions and escape Brett Favre Watch '08 for the time being...

Jim, If you are Willie Randolph, how big of a Phillies fan are you? Or how mad are you getting with the recent Met’s success.
- John, Chester, PA
I’ll always stand by Willie in the fact that the lagged play of the Mets this season wasn’t entirely his fault. I always felt he managed the team in game pretty well, and there was the 2006 season on his resume to prove that the Mets could win under him. But if I’m Willie I have to despise the Mets organization right now. I would be sending spam to the Wilpon’s email addresses for Enzyte male enhancement pills, and paintballin’ Omar Minaya’s house because of not only the way I was fired but the six month ongoing saga that was the end of my managing in New York made me finally lose all my hair. I’d also have some resentment for Jerry Manuel too, after all he was on my staff, and now his “laid back” style is apparently the key to success. If that’s all my overpaid roster needed I would’ve bought an Xbox and a few leather chairs. The truth is the Mets are winning with quality pitching more than anything, and it isn’t Willie’s fault that suddenly Perez and Pelfrey are pitching like top tier starters when under him they were nearly out of the rotation; it’s ex-pitching coach Rick Peterson’s.


Would you rather be a hall of fame player that isn’t clutch or an average/slightly above average player that has his big moments on championship teams?
- Dan Marino, Miami, FL
Poor Dan. For a while it looked like Peyton Manning would take the place of Marino as the guy-you-compare-being-good-but-never-winning-to. Now Dan is destined to be the Greatest Who Never Won, only to have his records beaten by the Greatest Who Never Retired. So would I rather be Dan Marino or Robert Horry basically? I wouldn’t mind being either, but I guess if I accomplished enough to be enshrined in the Hall of Fame I’ll take Marino’s career. In 50 years you can see a bust of Marino in Canton, you’ll only occasionally be able to see Horry on ESPN Classic.


What are your thoughts on the new Will Ferrell movie? Has he jumped the shark? Can he bounce back from a few bad movies? And should he do an Old School 2?
- Jack, Boston MA
First things first, an Old School 2 would be a horrible idea. That movie captured a generation of college students and sequals almost never work with the exception of D2: The Mighty Ducks. I think Will is having career anxiety, taking parts in the nap-worthy films Stranger Than Fiction and Bewitched, while still trying the say the dumbest thing that comes to mind rolls alongside John C Reilly. I think Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrel, and Luke Wilson should team up again as Vaughn played the sarcasm perfectly, along with Will's extreme dumbness and Wilson as the straight man in Old School, but Ferrell is going to have to make a decision soon. He needs to change his style and stop making carbon copied movies and either move on to higher comedy or Jim Carrey-esque dramas. The movies he makes now will get a few laughs out of you, but Old School and Anchorman solidified that genre for him, now it feels like he's just squeezing it dry.

You can make $10 million but you have to play the professional sport of your choice overseas or you can make say $6 million in the US? What is the Big Cat gonna do?
- Jaromir Jagr, Josh Childress and Evgeni Malkin
Jagr leaving the Rangers for Russia is like Albert Puljous going to play in some Dominican league. I mean I guess you can’t blame him for going back to his home continent, but come on this is professional sports on the highest level in the world with the highest regard in the world next to international soccer. Also remember, thanks to the exchange rate, $10 million in Europe is actually $4.6 billion in the US. That's alot of afro pics Josh.


Steve Bartman was just offered $25,000 to sign the photo of him interfering with the ball? How fast would you do it if you were him?
- Ben, Chicago
The problem with Bartman is that he never really owned up to what happened, laughed it off, and then cashed in on it- kind of like what Andy Pettite did with Brian McNamara. What I mean is that if Stevey Headphones just said look I made a mistake don’t tell me none of you would’ve done any differently in that situation, then signed pictures of the incident, done every talk show and radio program, and posed for photo ops with Moises Alou, he wouldn’t have to live in hiding and worry about his privacy. It’s much easier to demonize the guy who is ashamed of what he’s done and doesn’t just brush it off and own up to it; just ask Roger Clemens.


The bleacher creatures deserve all the credit they get. They are a unique fan base that while you may hate them you must respect them on a fan level. Even Melky Cabrera does enough to salute them while botching a play the other night. But with all that said, were you disappointed the Creatures did not salute the whole team during the All Star game? I understand quite a few Red Sox were out there but they were all on the same field for that night. Playing for what all those fans should hope to be home field advantage at The Stadium come October? It would have made me respect them on another level but they blew it…
- Bobby R, New Haven, CT
While the All Star Game was in NY that doesn’t necessarily mean the crowd was entirely pro Yankee. There were some Mets fans in there I’m sure, as well as the diehard fans from around the country that made the pilgrimage, mixed in with enough corporate sponsors it had to be like an annual stockholders meeting. So I wonder if the bleacher creatures had the JV team in that night- not enough of the regulars to really get a quality effort in while still holding a grudge against anyone who wasn’t a Yankee. It is a Yankee tradition, made to salute Yankees, but as the last year of the House That Ruth Built is upon us and in the All Star game that now means something, you would think the fans would make an effort to salute every player. No matter what team you’re from or what opinion you have of the Yankees I’m sure there isn’t a player out there who wouldn’t want to turn around and salute the right field bleachers just once in their career. With that being said I’m sure that not everyone was on the same page, and even if they were they’d have trouble saluting so many Sox. To them it would be like chanting for Ivan Drago.


In the NFL are systems key to team’s success or is it the players? I know you need the best players but can’t any bum at say RB rush for 1,500 yards in any given year?
- Ryan Grant, Oshkosh, WI
Only if you play for Mike Shanahan. Ryan Grant showed promise with the Giants, but was cut because they basically didn't have a spot for him. Then he shows up in Green Bay and runs wild earning himself a spot on the Re-Work My Deal All Stars alongside Plaxico Burress, and the Chicago Bears roster. I think it's the system that makes the team good, with the exception of the freak athlete like LT, Antonio Gates, Devin Hester (hooray new contract) and the artist formerly know as Mike Vick (so talented he didn't work in any system).


Is there a better American family than what Rev has to offer?
- Sara M, NYC
Run’s House is like watching a family on TV that you wish you got to spend a few years with even as an adult. Kind of like wishing you were Theo Huxtable’s half brother from Cliff’s wild days at Hillman. I imagine if I just moved into the 3rd floor west wing of the Rev’s pad I could convince him to land me a rap deal in like 2 weeks, thus laying me on the path to dropping an album in 6 months, guest hosting TRL, and getting into a rap war in 50 Cent because I claimed I was tougher for taking a BB in the foot than getting shot up a few times. Run’s House plus Male Pattern Balding Guy Who Lives Upstairs- ratings would sky rocket.

As for other shows that are complete wastes of time but still you’d hate to miss: The Soup, Rob and Big, and the new comer From G’s to Gents, which is like watching 10 alpha males with IQ’s less than the number of fingers you own live in a house and try to be regular male humans. Especially Mikey P, who was voted out of the house, because while these guys must have been picked off the street, literally, Mikey P was the ultimate Guido wannabe from central NJ, blow out hair and all who claimed to own a house, a car, and had been to a country club but was still a “G”. It was like watching a Wu Tang video with a member of 98 Degrees dancing in it.


What were your thoughts on Justin Timberlake hosting the Espy’s. Or better yet the performances from Greg Oden or Dwight Howard? Tell me you wouldn’t give those two big goofballs a reality show tomorrow.
- Dom, Reno, NV
At first I thought the N*SYNC’er was a poor choice, considering his limited acting career. I just imagined he would put on a concert and introduce people in between the high notes he hits. The first 20 minutes or so was actually funny though, and I thought he pulled his weight nicely.
The fact that ESPN tells you who won an ESPY a day before they air the event makes you not care about the show anyways. Well, let me rephrase that, you don’t care about the ESPY’s to begin with, so when they tell you who wins, show you clips from the recorded show, and mention lines from what happened at the show, then what is my motivation for tuning in besides the fact that you ran in continuously for a day? It’s like the Pro Bowl.
I would almost rather see Dwight Howard and Greg Oden in a sitcom rather than a reality show ( Check them out here). Better yet I think if they just reenacted old sitcoms on their show, like a sketch comedy show, and just did scenes like the Jump On It dance from Fresh Prince of Bel Air, the Cliff and Theo (second Cosby Show reference of The Inbox) conversation about Theo’s earring, or the dance competition from Saved By The Bell I think it would be huge. Seriously try imagining Dwight Howard as AC Slater and Greg Oden as Zach Morris. Huge success. But if they did get a reality show I think Dwight’s would just a be a collection of events in his life; going out to dinner, doing laundry, sitting on the can, visiting his family, reading to underprivileged children, all while wearing a Superman cape.

How excited are you for the Olympics? Which events are you most looking forward to? And please compare which you think is better, summer, winter or special?
- Michael Phelps, Baltimore, MD
I’m interested in seeing whether or not Team USA basketball can be successful in international play or not. I’m interested in…no that’s it. I’m not interested in the Olympics until the Olympics are actually happening, as I think it’s because we really don’t know about 96% of the athletes that compete for our country until they win something and then we’ll forget about them for another four years.
The summer Olympics are a lot more entertaining than the winter competition unless the Jamaican bobsled team makes a comeback (Jamaican me crazy!). And as for the Special Olympics, well, they’re just special.

Watch out for the WNBA!!!! We have Dunking and Fights breaking out?? What’s next for the League?
- Candace Parker, Los Angeles, CA
Fans.

Just kidding.

Not much.

Is there anything worse then waking up on a Sunday morning hung-over as can be, throw on sports center only to watch “My Wish” about some dying young child getting to meet his sports idol and hang out for him for a day. Just when you are trying to forgive yourself for all of last night’s activities you come across this? Try watching an episode and if you don’t cry you aren’t human.
- Mickey, San Diego
I have to change the channel every time My Wish comes on. I don’t turn on Sportscenter to be inspired or emotionally touched; I turn it on so I can watch it so many times in a row I learn the teleprompter by heart. I want highlights and information. If Seton Hall graduate Bob Ley tries to rope me into a heartwarming story I have to cycle through the channels until it’s over or they break away from the inspiring music to a loud and abrupt “Sportcenter Update” where Brett Favre is either talking to the Vikings on a Playskool phone or not telling the Packers when he’s going to the bathroom anymore. If you’re going to blindside me with emo-sports stories I’ll go watch Rudy. With that being said the real reason I don’t watch it is because things always get in my eyes when the segment runs.


When will the Giants get respect? How did David Tyree feel getting an ESPY last week for such a great catch even though he is already cut from the team? How long is the grace period before Eli gets booed?
- Brian M, Staten Island
Look, I love the Giants and their Super Bowl victory is still something I have trouble believing actually happened, but on paper this team isn’t the best in the league and even worse after this off season with losing three defensive starters and Shockey. So we respect they got hot at the right time and made one of the most improbable playoff runs and unbelievable Super Bowl wins ever. As for Tyree he will forever be a Super Bowl legend, and The Catch he made is enough for him to live off memorabilia merchandise for the rest of his life (kind of like poor Pete Rose and his Vegas autograph sessions), but he had knee surgery this off season and has to get healthy quick to even compete for a roster spot. The guy is a Pro Bowl special teams player, but if he isn’t healthy the Jints will need to find another guy to fill his place. For me the grace period for Eli will be about two years, barring how good he is. If Eli comes out and throws like I would in an NFL game he’ll have about 2 games, but if he continues to be regular old up and down I-might-throw-3-interceptions-today Eli then I think Giants fans can give him two years. We are still trying to actually accept he won us a Super Bowl still. Plus I think the Oreo cookie lick-off he had with Peyton took a season off his grace period. Just plain awkward.


When can Rick Ankiel get his Josh Hamilton like praise? His comeback was just as amazing without breaking the law in the first place?
- Rick Ankiel Sr., St Louis
Is it safe to say Rick Ankiel is the best baseball player in the major leagues? He’s like a 8 tool player who not only can play center field and hit well enough to be an everyday guy, he’s an all star. The arm he has gunning guys from the warning track is absolutely insane. He used to be a good pitcher until he caught Chuck Knoblaugh disease, but the fact that he made it to the majors as a pitcher and then a few years later is playing gold glove OF and batting cleanup is remarkable. Who needs cocaine when you can just go mentally insane on a pitching mound and then hit home runs. Also wasn't there an HGH rumbling about Ankiel? Check on that Rick Sr.


At what point in the summer is it acceptable to buy a fantasy football magazine?
- Erik Karabell, Hartford, CT
Who reads?

How many days are normal to get the stench of Shea Stadium off of you after visiting?
- PK, Philly
Congrats on the Philadelphia Soul Arena Bowl Championship. It takes Bon Jovi to bring a title to Philadelphia and I’m sure you’ve set your DVR to save until I delete mode for that will be the most rewarding Philly title game in your lifetime.

Count it.

Got a question, comment, praise, or insult for Jim Kelly Jr? Send it to JimKellyJr@gmail.com and you might find it in the next segment of The Inbox.

By Jim Kelly Jr.

It was about as important of a series in July as you can get.

A few weeks ago the Mets, teetering on the brink of being out of the race for the NL East all together, went on a ten game run to vault them back into contention. Timely hitting and unhittable pitching surged the Mets right on the heels of the lagging Phillies and back at square one for the second half of the season. I was pleased. Still though the team acted like that cute girl you met at the bar who after a few drinks revealed she had two kids, lived with one of the fathers, and was still looking for true love; they had their share of flaws. It would be unreasonable to think that the Mets would win every game from here on till October, but it was clear that the tide has changed, and that the winning culture that had been gone for so long had finally returned to Queens.

Then the Phillies came to town.

Since the emergence of Rollins, Utley and Howard, the Philadelphia answer to Reyes, Wright, and Beltran, the Phillies have taken the role of the Braves and to a lesser extent the Yankees as the team Mets fans love to hate. That’s what happens when you’re the most comparable team in the division; whose players talk trash in the media and whose fans boo Santa. While in 2008 the Mets have beaten the Phils 9 out of 13 times, there still remains a nagging inclination, that the Phillies give the same feeling the Yankees and Braves used to give; every win is a battle, and a way to breathe easier for one more night. An it-ain’t-over-‘till-it’s-over feeling.

So of course after watching Johan Santana pitch his customary game of keeping the Mets close while he’s on the mound, I was more than a little worried when he didn’t come out to pitch the 9th inning Tuesday night. I don’t blame Jerry Manuel for pulling Johan as much as I blame pitch counts all together. (two points: 1. I think it’s customary for every color commentator in baseball who was a former player, especially pitchers, to sound off about how pitch counts are overrated and how in their day pitchers used to pitch 300 pitches everyday for 40 years until their arms detached. 2. You know when a pitcher is either very good or a massive part of your team, or both, when you call them by their first name the day they pitch. Saying “Johan’s pitching” or “Pedro’s pitching” carries a lot more meaning than saying John, Oliver, or Mike is pitching; everyone knows who you’re talking about, and everyone treats it as an event- plus it helps they’re unique names). I’m a firm believer in the fact that if a guy is pitching a heck of a game then you run him out there in the 9th until he allows a base runner, in which then you would immediately pull him. I know that managers are damned if they do and damned if they don’t in that situation, but if the guy’s stuff has worked for 8 innings it just might work for at least another out.

Billy Wagner (I wish someone would call him William) wasn’t available Tuesday night because of shoulder spasms, which sounds like his shoulder would flail about independently from his body, so of course the storyline was set for a meltdown at Shea.

Look, the Mets haven’t won the World Series in 22 years, the last one they were in they were crushed by the Yankees (the worst possible team for them to lose to), and the closest they’ve been since is the Beltran Knee Buckle of two years ago, so I won’t say I’m pessimistic when the Mets are in a big spot but I just like to take a wait and see if they can get three outs approach.

And they couldn’t.

The meltdown in the 9th left many Mets fans feeling the way they did PWS (Pre-Win Streak) , ready to trade half the bullpen and personally call the Rockies for Brian Fuentes. I had this exchange with my buddy PK, who was born and raised a Phillie Phanatic:

Me: We don’t have Billy for one night, and this happens
PK: laughs
Me: Jose can’t step on 2nd and this happens
PK: laughs
Me: Feliciano can’t transfer the ball from glove to hand, and this
happens
PK: you could guess what he was still doing, the smug bastard

With the Mets blunder being the lead in on Sportscenter and every other sports newscast you could almost feel a collective groan from Mets fans, as if this might set the tone for the series and a knee cap breaking sweep from the Phillies. Then Johnny Maine gives a solid outing capped off by Jose Reyes hitting a three run homer in the 6th and doing his best Manny Ramirez impression as he celebrated with one arm raised all the way around 2nd base. More than happiness I felt a sigh of relief after the win, as the Mets were back where they started and had left me wondering if Ollie could take the series the next day. More so I wondered why I was so wrapped up in a late July series anyways.

The 2008 season has been a kiddie rollercoaster ride, with many tiny hills and bumps and I-banged-my-knee-this-freaking-bar-is-too-tight-on-me thrills. Up and down since April. With the Phillies being the most formidable opponent, the Marlins not understanding that they aren’t supposed to win games, and the NL Central proving the Wild Card will belong to them, winning the East is the only way into the playoffs. And because the Mets aren’t cruising their way to a big enough lead in the division to either win it outright or squander it in 17 days, the tension is a little on the high side. This causes the Met fan to live and die by every game; to glorify each night’s hero and banish each night’s goat. The team went from down and out to right back in it in ten games, and any small setback might create a free fall back into Seven Games Back Misery Land.

Then in the rubber game Ollie Perez was vintage Ollie Perez- he was unexplainable. Perez has been nothing short of a head case during his tenure with the Mets, as he has the stuff to be dominant but lacks the consistency to put it all together. His pitching during the playoffs in ’06 was fantastic just as he is in every big game, but I’d rather take him as solid every time he goes out and consistent, rather occasionally spectacular and than pitching for his job a mere month ago. Six K’s by the 4th inning and pitching beautifully the Mets clung to a one run lead as I clung to the fact that Carlos Delgado hits better the greyer his goatee gets. Jamie “I could be David Wright’s dad” Moyer held the offense in check during the early start day game, but Perez not only matched him but ended up leaving the game in the 8th with 12 K’s. Enter Aaron Heilman, with his usual uncanny ability to make me change the channel, who miraculously gets a fly ball out to end a bases loaded threat.

This is where the team has brought me on board for the season. A guy like Perez, almost pitching out of the rotation last month, throws one of the best games in his career. A guy like Heilman, with all the promise in the world and still a near 5 ERA, getting out of a big jam in the 8th. A guy like Delgado, who’s bat speed had gone sluggish and beard is at a Just For Men all time high, getting the two RBI clutch hit the team needed so badly. And a guy like Wagner, who’s blown 6 saves this year but still commands a presence on the mound that isn’t nearly matched by anyone else in the pen. Game over, time to line up and slap hands to Takin’ Care of Business. The fire is back in them. Reyes with his arm held high, the team on the top steps of the dugout after every big hit, Wright fist pump crossing the plate for the go ahead runs- they’re back. The team that’s underachieved, or maybe never really was that good, is back in first and ready to sweat out the dog days of summer.

You can tell this team wants to win. Maybe it was the changing of the guard from the tightly wound Randolph, to the laid back Manuel. Maybe it was the spark plugs off the bench that picked up the offense when both corner outfielders went down. Or maybe it was just the team finally playing just like that- a team. Whatever it is, in a mere three games the group of high priced superstars and patchwork veterans went from the Panic Mode Mets, to the First Place Mets. Now it’s on to the resilient Cardinals and the rest of the NL race.

And as for that that cute girl you met at the bar who after a few drinks revealed she had two kids, lived with one of the fathers, and was still looking for true love; she might have a nice personality.

"Race To The Top" is a look at the top 5 teams in MLB, updated frequently throughout the season...

By Jim Kelly Jr.

Late July is the time of the baseball season when sports tickers are flying by with lines about guys changing teams, blog postings are scoured for any rumors of blockbuster deals, and websites are refreshed at a seizure-ly rate. It's the time to find out who's buying and who's selling. If your team is buying you might find your baseball alert level raised to red- ready to strike at any news of adding a bat or a quality reliever. If your team is a selling then you're reading daily reports from NFL training camps. Since the trade deadline is inching closer and closer I decided to take a look at who's leading in the Race To The Top- a look at the Top 5 teams in baseball, and who's right on their heels. So in the meantime instead of trying to get Peter Gammons' cell number, let's dive right in...

1. The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Is there anyone more excited about playing baseball than Francisco Rodriguez? K-Rod is saving games at an alarming and record breaking rate, making sure the Halos are winning every close game they find themselves in- as of right now saving 41 of 61 wins. The next best closers are Papelboner and trade-bait-flat-brimmer George Sherril with 30 and 29 respectively. I wrote last week (20 Predictions For the Second Half.. ) about how the Angels will fall off with surges from the Oakland High School Athletics and Josh Hamilton AAU Baseball, but with the way the Angels have held even the Red Sox Nation at bay it's tough to count them out of at least the ALCS right now.

The Halos are a fun team to watch too, with so many close games coming down to the 9th and old school hacker Vladdy still making opposition pay for pitching to him. The Angels might have a bumpy road down the stretch though, as their most productive run producers minus Casey Kotchman have an average age of about 34 and with so many close games a few of them are bound to go the other way (K-Rod has to be tired from screaming). Still the team with the long name fights on, summoning the rally monkey for a run in October.

2. Chicago Cubs

So this is the Rich Harden Billy Beane used to dream about. Although Harden took the loss a few nights ago to the light hitting D'backs and getting zero in the runs support column his stat line read 7.0IP 1H 1ER 2BB 10K: filthy. Chicago looks pretty smart for now, but if history proves itself Harden will be wounded eventually, most likely trading disabled list frequent flyer miles with Kerry Wood. The Cubs lineup is productive from top to bottom, with even the pride of Passaic New Jersey infielder Mark Derosa clocking in with 50 RBI in mid-July and with the ageless wonder Alfonso Soriano coming back from injury the Cubs are the NL favorite for the World Series. After 100 years of waiting 2008 might be the best shot the Cubbie faithful have had in a long time.
With Carlos Zambrano keeping his ERA under 3, and Ryan Dempster on pace to flirt with 18 wins or so, Rich Harden could solidify a powerful postseason staff. The Cubs should not only make the playoffs but find themselves deep into October., lighting up a Wrigley field that is desperate for postseason wins. If they do make the World Series and somehow blow it, by goat, black cat, or perhaps a giraffe this time, the suicide rate in Chicago will most definitely rise. Seriously it would be very uncomfortable for everyone.

3. Boston Red Sox

Check the standings and you'll find the Sox tightly wedged into second place in AL East. So why not the Rays here at the 3 spot? It's because as great a story the Rays are they are still learning as they go, wondering what the pressure will be like in the fall when the only comparable thing they have is past years in Tampa Bay when most players just started spacing out around June. The Sox still have Big Game Josh Beckett, Dice K with 11 wins and an ERA under 3, and Outside-The-Lines-feel-good-story Jon Lester to head a solid rotation. Big Papi is preparing a triumphant return that Red Sox Nation hopes will be so majestic it will only rival hearing Jon Miller say "Big Papi".

If recently history proves right, and it should because it's the only thing we have to go on, the Sox will be there late in October and most likely locked in a long series with the Angels. Papelboner will be screaming and dancing, saying anything for a quote and firing up Boston while simultaneously igniting a hatred for him throughout the rest of baseball. It's the Players You Love To Hate that win championships though, because if they weren't winners then you'd have no reason to hate them.

4. Tampa Bay Rays
Who would've thunk it.
The Rays make the Top 5 by out performing the AL East so far this year, fending off the Sox and the now surging Yankees. Tampa has young talent finally firing on all cylinders with the likes of Crawford, Upton and Longoria leading the way, meshing with experienced veterans like Eric Hinske, Cliff Floyd and Troy 'Turn Back the Clock' Percival. This year shouldn't be a fluke either as Longoria has proven to be the real deal and Garza, Kazmir, Shields and even Andy Sonnanstine are giving the Rays a chance to win every time they take the mound. One of the most promising long term features of the Rays is B.J. Upton though, who is second in the AL in walks; as most 23 year old males don't have the patience for a facebook page load let alone a four pitch walk Upton's upside should be through the roof over the years.

The Rays don't crack the top 3 though, as the October experience on the Rays roster is few and far between. Still the Floridians will watch with Tums in hand as every win puts the team closer to making franchise history.

5. Chicago White Sox
It shows you the strength of the American League when 4 of the Top 5 reside in the land of the DH. Chicago as a city is having itself a baseball year that mirrors New York in 2000, as the White Sox have been fending off the pesky Twins and the underachieving Tigers all season. With the Twins now hitting a stride and Detroit possibly finding their way, the Sox will be tested down the stretch to keep a hold of the top spot in the AL Central. I brought up the Sox age earlier (20 Predictions For the Second Half..) and that should always come into play when factoring in injuries and prolonged slumps, so don't be surprised if Minnesota sneaks past the Chi-towners by the end of the year (luckily I predicted the Sox to win the division, so luckily I covered all bases here baring the Royals selling their souls to satan).

Still the Sox fight on, allowing the 4th fewest runs in baseball and riding performances from Gavin Floyd and John Danks down the stretch to the postseason. The White Sox over the Cubs in the World Series would be the work of the devil.

On their heels...

Milwaukee Brewers
C.C. Sabathia and Ben Sheets might be the biggest 1-2 punch in October if the Brew Crew make the playoffs (seriously Sabathia is huge). Clutch hitting has powered Milwaukee to just a game back of the Cubs but still not close enough to capture Top 5 status. They would though instantly be propelled to at least the 2 spot if there was a Sportscenter game break for every Sausage Race.

St. Louis Cardinals
The NL Central is so congested it makes you wonder why the Astros are making deals when the only people who believe they have a shot are the Astros. The Cardinals were supposed to be horrible- a team bad enough to make the wax mannequin of Tony La Russa to hang it up for good. Still the Cards remain not only in the race, but in a prime position for the division lead and breaking up both the Cubs and Brewers Cinderella stories.

New York Yankees
Could they do this again? Statistically baseball's best second half team, the Yankees are creeping up to make the AL East race go down to the wire. It would be remarkable accomlishment as injuries have killed this team all year, but as they've proven in the past you can never count out Jeter, Rivera, and Madonna's boyfriend.

Philadelphia Phillies
I'd love to put the Mets up here somewhere but until the Phightin' Phils aren't atop the NL East New York has no business being on the list. The Phillies barely make it too as any of the aforementioned NL teams would have no problem running away with the weak division.


The Bottom 3
San Diego Padres, Washington Nationals, Seattle Mariners
How are the Chargers, Redskins, and Seahawks training camps going?

As seen on Coedmagazine.com
By Jim Kelly Jr.

Sports are arguably too important in the average guy’s life. Guys are the ones arguing against that point. Sports cause guys to skip family events and work obligations for meaningless mid-season games and preseason action. Yet there is the negative half of sports; the kinds of things that make the average guy cringe at when he spends his average 60 hours a week “with” his favorite teams. Now there can be a number of things guys hate about sports, and watching them on a daily basis I'm sure you could think of a few of your own, but I thought I’d come up with just a few...


Sideline reporters
Exceptions to this rule include but are not limited to Bonnie Bernstein, Erin Andrews and Peter Gammons. Why Peter Gammons you ask? Because he is already in the Hall of Fame and still reports the most exclusive baseball news you can find. It’s like Hugh Hefner still copy editing Playboy. Guys hate sideline reporters because they bring absolutely nothing to the table except generic athlete-speak that you’re just going to hear after the game. Example: “What do you think you can do to turn this game around in the second half coach?” “Well we just have to play better you know, come out here and really take it to them and try and put some points on the board.” It’s like they read the John Madden Bible as soon as the cameras come on. Dumb.


Women’s Bowling
While we’re at it throw in women’s billiards and the WNBA. I understand that women want to play too and that’s fine, but from a guy’s point of view there is no reason we want to watch you work for a 7-10 spilt while sporting your 1983 librarian glasses and black tight leg jeans. We’ll watch women’s tennis because they hit almost as hard as the guys while not actually looking like Roger Federer. We’ll watch softball because, and they are few and far between, sometimes a player is gorgeous and we like to imagine hitting a home run down the 205’ line off her and then taking her to Dairy Queen. Yet when it comes to Women’s Bowling/Billiards/Basketball we just aren’t buying. There’s no sense in watching women with wrist/finger/knee braces who resemble your buddy Steve. Advertisers know this too, because you’ll never see a Viagra commercial during the 2008 Women’s Billiards Championship. Speaking of which…


Erectile Dysfunction Commercials
Look if you have erectile dysfunction chances are you’ve either already brought it up to your doctor or hung up the spikes for good. The endless commercials that feature grey haired men fishing together, dancing with their wives, building a rocking chair, or just doing a lot of hugging are really are cutting into quality television programming. If you’ve ever watched an hour of golf on TV you will undoubtedly start to question yourself during every commercial break, wondering when your next doctor’s appointment is and if you really are embarrassed about the problem the TV says you have. When these commercials first started they were bland, tasteful, and left to the imagination, all while including a generally unhappy man who is probably looking at divorce and turning him into a happy ballroom dancing man. Now commercials include “contact your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours” and “side effects may include Gastro esophageal reflux”. We’d all be fine with: “Can’t get it up? Take this pill”, now move on to a Bud Light commercial or Wilford Brimley talking about diabetes testing supplies.


Pick off Moves
I think one time in the 70’s the Fake-to-Third-Fake-to-First pick off move actually worked. I imagine it was at the filming of The Bad News Bears. Ever since then though pitchers throughout the years attempt this move as if to say “hey, I’m more afraid of the guy at the plate, so I’m going to pray to God this works and I don’t care how dumb I look or pathetic I seem doing it”. The problem with the pick off move is the time it takes to do it. The game of baseball moves slowly enough already, as it’s partnered with golf as the two sports you can either get extremely excited for or take a nap during play. Actually if you’re ever tired just watch a Braves telecast on TBS- it’s like walking into a funeral home, you’ll be out in no time. This way you can sleep through Tim Hudson pick off moves.


TV timeouts
TV timeouts when you’re watching TV are fine, as you might be able to get in-game update for other scores and news, or a two minute lecture on I have genital herpes. And I don’t. Guys hate when you’re actually attending a game and their team takes the momentum and goes on a huge run, only to have a TV timeout come in and cause half of the fan base either to space out at Jumbotron commercials or wait to use the pee trough. Besides a fart on an airplane, nothing is more disheartening or unwanted.


Ushers
There are two types of ushers at a sporting event. One’s that guys hate, and one’s that guys really hate. The lesser of two evils just stands there and watches the game, letting you pay the beer guy to never leave your section and throw peanut shells in dyed comb-over sitting two rows down. The Usher From Hell checks every ticket like there’s anthrax on it, makes sure you know exactly where your seats are while you are actually standing in that row already, and guards your section like Gary Payton (when he was “The Glove”, not when he’s “I’m old so I’m just going to shoot from whatever spot I receive the ball”). It’s this man who foils your plan of buying upper deck seats and eventually sitting behind the dugout by the 8th inning and heckling Arod about what you read in Star about him.


Explaining Things
Guys hate having a large crowd of people over watching a sporting event, then having a controversial play happen and having to explain why a certain call was made. Exceptions to this include calls that are blown on the field or calls where no one has any idea what’s going on (examples include Steve Bartman, Brett Hull in the crease, Chris Webber’s time out, and Jeffrey Maier ). What guys hate is when its mid-April during a meaningless baseball game and your buddy’s girlfriend asks you why that guy gets to go to first base if he didn’t hit the ball. This is when you give your buddy the are-you-kidding-me-with-this-shit look.


Lack of Instant Replay
Purists will claim that instant replay destroys the history of the game and takes out human error. Find any purist though who watches their favorite team lose a point/game/series to a blown call and you’ll find that guy changing his tune. In a perfect world umpires and referees would be perfect, but they aren’t as they are humans and sometimes fat, and a guy hates nothing more than losing a game due to a missed call. That and maybe day trips to botanical gardens.


The Same Side Heckler
Guys hate it when fans will heckle the home team players for no reason other than this fan clearly hasn’t watched the team in a decade. You find this a lot in New York and Philadelphia, two cities known for booing their reigning champions and Santa Claus. You want to bash the guy for hitting .220 into August? Totally acceptable. You want to boo him relentlessly for sporting a 120 yards 0TD 3INT stat line? Fine. But booing the guy who’s hitting .485 with runners in scoring position because he fouled out with a guy on third doesn’t fly. You can tell the heckler that sentence too to shut him up. Who cares if it’s true or not.


Inadequate Parking
Sporting events are like weddings to guys. You look forward to them for a long time, know that everything that goes on there is going to be awesome, and hope you don’t throw up in the bathroom while the fun is still going on. Everyone even dresses alike usually. Guys hate it though when there is inadequate parking at their sporting event. Whether it be the tailgating has already commenced and the only lot that’s open shares a drive-thru with a Burger King, or the lots around the stadium are so congested that parking costs more than the ticket to the game, guys hate parking. The only way to combat this is the tailgate route, which usually requires devoting an entire twenty hours or so to a game that lasts on average just under three hours. Guys like that.


. . .

Randomoniums

-It's hard to feel sorry for Greg Norman after losing yet another major this weekend at The Open Championship. The guy just got married, makes more money off the course than on, and at age 53 was playing in a major probably just to see if he could get a paycheck out of it. It's like getting picked out of the crowd to shoot a half court shot and missing- sure it sucks you missed but you never really expected to be there anyways.

-Jason Taylor and Jeremy Shockey are traded in the same week. Where else but the world of sports can you openly complain about your employer enough that they are forced to transfer you to a different employer and continue to pay you as if nothing happened. It's like a factory worker for Pepsi said he hated it there and Pepsi decided to just transfer him to Coke in return for a few hundred can tabs and no questions asked. Unbelievable. Good luck Shock, hope you find what you're looking for as apparently defending champs wasn't it.

I found this can in the back of my cupboard and now every time I see it I laugh. I don't know if it's the over use of adjectives (Very Young Small Early Peas) or lack of any other information on the can. Just thought I'd share that with you.

By Jim Kelly Jr.

Armed with my iPod on and in text message mode I was in “don’t bother me unless the building is on fire” form as I walked into a men’s room in the B terminal of Orlando International Airport the other day. It was there that an older gentlemen (let’s ball park it around 78) was standing confidently at the first urinal a ghastly and unheard of two feet away and peeing out one of the legs of his freakishly short shorts. .Just when I thought that it couldn’t get any more awkward, in this the most public of restrooms, the old rascal let out a rippling fart that had the same effect on the bathroom as bombs do in the movies- complete with initial sonic wave and car-flipping capabilities. I’ve always wondered at what age the senior citizen chromosome kicks in and you no longer give a crap about the way you look/act/sound/drive in public. I think it’s around your early seventies.

The moral of the story is that no matter how hard you try, and just when you thought you’ve seen it all, you can never predict the future.

After an eventful first half of the Major League Baseball season, capped off by a marathon All Star game that went way past George Steinbrenner’s bedtime of “after Wheel of Fortune”, the most important months of baseball are ahead of us. While I claim you can never predict the future, it’s always fun to give it a try. Luckily I get to write my predictions, so I can always look back and see how wrong I was when I present:

20 Predictions for the Second Half of 2008: MLB Edition

1. The White Sox will easily win the AL Central
When looking over their lineup the White Sox look poised to make a run in 2004, except its 2008. It’s been two years since I remembered Jermaine Dye is in the big leagues, but the guy is hitting .306 21HR 56RBI at age 34, proving me ignorant to his first half stats. John Danks has been filthy (2.67 ERA) and he’s joined by an extremely solid starting rotation. The emergence of Carlos Quentin is a driving force but with a lineup that has the likes of Dye, Jim Thome, Orlando Cabrera, A.J Pierzynski, and Paul Konerko these guys seem more like a changing diapers watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond team than a young pack of go-getters. Still the AL Central isn’t nearly what anyone thought it would be as most of the contenders turned out pretenders, so the Sox will ride their pitching and Loco Ozzie to October.

2. The Mets will make the playoffs behind solid starting pitching from Santana, Maine, and Pelfrey.
I hope so or else the MLB Package will receive a pretty stern letter as to why I should receive compensation for the 82-80 season I just watched.

3. Jason Giambi will give America another reason to hate Yankee fans
So Giambi does look pretty funny with a mustache, sort of like a former juicer turned porn star- so basically like real life. But you just know that since a few weeks ago Sal, Big Tony, and ‘Joey Pink Belly’ have been growing their mustaches out so they can sit down the right field line and spend nine innings trying to get The Giambino to look at them. This will most likely take place on Fox Sunday Baseball where Tim McCarver will go off on a tangent about the 1973 World Series and how mustaches were popular until he has to be sedated with a horse tranquilizer.

4. Shawn Chacon will find Jesus
He’ll need all the help God can get him to find another job pitching in MLB. Side note- I always love hearing when athletes “find Jesus”, as they went down to Borders and bought a Where’s Jesus book where in 13 different scenarios you have to find the bearded carpenter. Scenarios include but are not limited to: Jesus at the Mall Food Court, Jesus at the Baseball Game, Jesus at the Zoo, Jesus in Times Square, etc.

5. Mike Hampton will return
He’ll pitch 2 2/3 innings 3ER 5K 2BB and his bones will disintegrate.

6. Barry Bonds will return to baseball
It’s cloudy as to what team he’ll return to, but Barry could either help an AL contender get to the next level (Detroit?) or a floundering team sell tickets (Seattle?). I bet Barry doesn’t have any friends.

7. Josh Hamilton will levitate
True I may have a man crush (as seen in The Natural- previous article), but so does every other baseball fan out there. The guy could hit half of what he did in the first few months of the season and still have a great year at the plate. He dazzled the world in the Home Run Derby, has nearly 100 RBIs in the first half of 2008, and found Jesus at the Train Station. The only thing left is to do is hover.

8. The Rays will regain form and make the playoffs
The pitching is just too good, and once Troy Percival comes off the DL and continues his Turn Back the Clock season, the staff should be rounded out nicely. They do have to worry about the Bash Brother teams of the AL East making a blockbuster deadline deal, but barring a Matt Holiday-type move The Rays should pan out to a wild card berth and pandemonium in the dome. Adding another dependable bat and/or arm could go a long way, but with super phenom David Price and artist formerly known as Rocco Baldelli waiting to be called up their needs could be solved in-house.

9. The Royals will make a late surge towards .500 and be the ultimate late season spoilers
Quick name six Royals players. I don’t think even Trey Hillman could do that (quick who’s Trey Hillman?).

10. The Mariners will fire sale everyone off but Ichiro and Felix Hernandez
There will be so many youngsters coming over in trades that King Felix and Ichiro will spend most of their days babysitting. Although Hernandez is still a baby himself, so Ichiro will just be like that substitute teacher you used to have who had an incomprehensible accent that would just give up and read the paper after you spent the first half of the period refusing to quiet down. Ichiro will also pick up shifts as a lunch monitor.

11. The Padres will sink even more into the depths of the NL
Do me a favor and look up the active roster for the Padres. Now take out Adrian Gonzalez, and what do you have? Nothing. This lineup like couldn’t even scare Shaggy and the gang (dorky). Still the Padres refuse to completely rebuild, clinging to Maddux, Hoffman, and Giles for reasons of respect if nothing else. Speaking of Brian Giles, looking back at his numbers this guy has been done for a few years now, and while he’s batting .301 on the season, having 15 home runs or less for the fourth season in a row isn’t exactly starting corner outfield material. Zoinks.

12. Jose Reyes will become even more jaded with the New York media
Reyes is having the best all around statistical season of his career. The Mets win when he plays well and lose when he doesn’t, but if he shows an ounce of negative emotion the New York media spins it to look as if he does everything short of peeing his pants on the field and sitting Indian style on second base refusing to move until the Barney tape is rewound. The fans and media alike love it when he’s laughing and clapping and generally being fired up, so they should be accept when the exact opposite comes out after an error or tough break. He’s an animated guy, and he’ll lose that if that’s all he ever hears about in the clubhouse after the game.

13. Cliff Lee will have 30% of the Indians wins
As of July 18, 2008 the Royals are better than the team that many people thought were World Series bound. As Chris Rock would say “dat’s just radikalous”.

14. Big Papi will return with mixed results
Ortiz coming off the DL and being the shape he’s in (think Eat Like a Man box at Taco Bell) he can’t possibly immediately jump into Big Papi form. He’ll struggle throughout the remainder of the season until somewhere in the playoffs, as I have the Sox winning the division, he’ll turn it on, crushing the hopes and dreams of The Rays and solidifying the Red Sox nationally as The New Yankees- a team that destroys the underdog and has an enormous national fan base.

15. C.C. Sabathia will explode
Beer, brats, and Prince Fielder? Sabathia will reach David Wells Status by 2009 while in Milwaukee; yet still propel the franchise to a status they haven’t seen in many years: contender. I would pay money for a picture of Cecil Fielder, Prince Fielder, and C.C. Sabathia together and then place it next to a movie still from Nutty Professor II: The Klumps.

16. The A’s will be annoying
Even year since Billy Beane took over the A’s, so since 1913 or so, the young boys from Oakland have played scrappy small ball with a revolving door-like cast of characters. Sometimes they even win their division. Terrific. The A’s just do not produce October baseball teams; whether it be a lack of big game pitching or a looming lineup presence, their roster is never that of World Series caliber. Even after trading both Rich Harden and Joe Blanton the A’s will most likely be like a fly in a Chinese restaurant and never leave you or your pork fried rice alone. If they are going to make a run in the playoffs they’ll need to catch fire, literally, as in men on fire scaring teams off the field.

17. Tony Clark will join the cast of The Golden Girls
Not really, but he should look into doing Just For Men (the rejuvenator!) commercials as he’s 36 but looks like he worked a trade to Arizona for his active adult retirement community. That community also includes Dave Roberts as community president, Jamie Moyer as head of the recycling program, and Julio Franco as senior social director.

18. The Angels will falter
If the The A’s will be annoying and Josh Hamilton will levitate then someone has to pay for their actions. The Angels play Seattle eight times in September, sandwiched between Texas, Oakland, New York, Detroit and Chicago. If Seattle is going to be a young team of guys trying to prove they belong in the big leagues, and if that’s what Oakland always is anyways, then the Angels have a tough road ahead of them. Starting pitching has been, and will continue to have to be, their key to success.

19. Francisco Liriano returns with a vengeance
He was just too good before he got hurt and is still phenomenal in video games.

20. Steve Bartman will strike again
I’ll believe it when I see it is the term that comes to mind when so many people expect the Cubs to be in the World Series. This team has had a pet goat, a black cat, and a headphones-wearing guy ruin their collective playoff hopes in the past century. Expect a Triceratops to bust through the center field wall and doom the Cubbies again.

AL Playoffs: Red Sox, White Sox, A's Wildcard- Rays

NL Playoffs: Mets, Cubs, Dodgers, Wildcard- Brewers

World Series: Red Sox over Cubs

By Jim Kelly Jr.

"My life didn't turn out the way I expected"- Roy Hobbs

In an age in baseball where skepticism and doubt precede optimism and wonder, a player has come along to perhaps usher in an era of restoration. While he hasn’t single handedly done anything to erase the scars from the Mitchell Report, it’s his own restoration that has quickly begun to help baseball’s healing process.

Josh Hamilton did in the Home Run Derby what most can only dream of. He walked into the House That Ruth Built, during the year we’ll spend remembering it, and put on a show that would have even the Great Bambino, a hot dog in one hand and a beer in another, would be smiling about. His home runs weren’t shots that took advantage of a little league short porch, but rather ones that would prompt Bank of America to give Hamilton a sponsorship for hitting so many balls towards their sign. They were unbelievable, majestic, and just about every other positive adjective you can think of.

While most people are now aware of the story of Hamilton’s past, it’s the effect that he’s had on the fans of baseball in such a short period of time that has been the most remarkable aspect of his game. Here’s the statistical leader of the American League, a guy who’s team competes against the Yankees, albeit not historically successfully, who had a New York crowd chanting his name hoping for him to hit another monstrous shot out of their park. For one night only Hamilton ruled New York, and for the rest of his career while he may be cheered against in the city he will always undoubtedly be respected. No one wanted to see anyone else hit or hear any announcer talk, as they’d rather listen to the theme from The Natural or the training music from Rocky, as the newcomer hit ball after ball into the night. There isn’t an outsider in The Stadium treated like that; not McGwire, Sosa, Junior, and definitely not Bonds. Say what you want about the Yankees and their fans, as I definitely have a few choice words, but as New Yorkers will tell you getting fans like that to cheer for you is an accomplishment in itself. Just ask David Ortiz.
Maybe it’s the uncanny resemblance to The Natural, with a career gone off the map only to come back with legendary force. Or maybe it’s the way the other players look at him; the best players on the planet standing and taking notice of someone who does things that have even them dumbfounded. Yet above all the statistics, the Erin Andrews interviews, and the Sunday Conversations, it’s the emergence of Josh Hamilton that has played into the hearts of baseball fans. He started with all the promise in the world, lost his way, broken and forgotten, and found himself back on the path that he was destined to all along. The story isn’t what appeals to the fan, as no parent will encourage their kids to idolize Hamilton’s career path, but rather it’s the human nature of his journey that has captivated so many.

While Alex Rodriguez has the physical talents and eventually statistics to make him the greatest hitter ever, he is far from being beloved by even his team’s own fans. Arod has been phenomenal since day one in baseball, groomed for the path to success since he was a teenager, and maybe it’s that superhuman aspect to him that has him labeled as a prima donna and the favorite villain for fans and media outlets alike. Josh Hamilton on the other hand is human. A guy that fans can relate to, who’s been knocked down only to dust himself off and do what he was born to do. While Arod will continue to be dominant for two decades he’ll never capture America’s love affair with the underdog like Hamilton has done in merely a year.

Our new human interest stories are no longer the kid who grew up on a farm and found his way to the big city, but the kid who had everything ripped away by addiction and found his way back to the limelight. While the fairy tale doesn’t exist, as we’ve either heard them all or too jaded to think that one could actually happen, Josh Hamilton may be as close as we get; the type of fairy tale you see on HBO perhaps. Fans want to root for a guy like that, one that shows them that you can make mistakes in your life, that maybe things don’t turn out like you planned, yet the dream can live on. It’s why the country will have Hamilton-fever for a while, reveling in the dream season from the guy with tattoos and who brought his long time senior citizen friend to the Derby; baseball’s Everyman. And like Hobbs, Hamilton’s life didn’t turn out the way he expected, but as he sets records and basks in the limelight after truly taking the road less traveled I’m sure he can’t complain about the path he’s heading down now.

As seen on CoEd Magazine.com

By Jim Kelly jr.

When a guy like Brett Favre single handedly brings the Green Bay Packers back to the height of the Lombardi era he probably has a little bit of respect due to him. His love of the game has always interfered with his business sense though, forcing him to think about retirement on and off for years, something Joan Rivers should have done around 1988. The fiasco in Green Bay is faulted by both sides; Favre stringing along management for years about retirement, and management disrespecting Favre when he inquires about getting his old job back. Now #4 is left blowing in the wind, trying to negotiate with the team he once dictated the shots for, left with nothing to do but wait and warm his arm doing Prilosec OTC commercials. The true issue is a business move, one that see’s an asset is depreciating and wants to move into a more long-term oriented strategy. The ‘gun slinger’ just isn’t that strategy.

Fans, and even media outlets, tend to forget that now more than ever the world of sports is a business. The Green Bay Packers are running a business, and instead of going with a one year strategy that might pan out year after year, they’re ready to go for long term success. It’s like feeling obligated to your Playstation 2- yeah it used to be the best available and still works decently, and yes you have an extra memory card (Donald Driver) and a wireless controller (Charles Woodson), but sooner or later your Playstation is going to be, if not already, shitty. That mindset of trying to have the best available of anything you have is going to cave in finally and force you to think towards the future. Plus Playstation 3 is pretty cool.

It can be depressing though for diehard fans. Living and dying by teams who make stone cold decisions based on projections and growth regardless of sentiment and loyalty, when the only reason you watch that team is for the sentiment and loyalty you associate to it. Fans can feel disenfranchised; that something they loved just isn’t the same anymore, like Michael Jackson’s career or the final two seasons of The O.C. The only way to get around the fact that teams will operate according to a business plan is acceptance.

Fans have to accept that from the kickoff to the final whistle is the only time when you can truly invest in your team; the only time you can be completely hooked. It’s like Jessica Simpson; sure she’s dumber than a poo eating dog and has a public divorce and a Romo-career-tarnish to her name, but when she’s in a music video all of her baggage disappears and you are completely mesmerized. You forget the baggage and scars of your team’s offseason, and root just as hard as you always have.

Now Favre waits, another veteran tossed aside by the billion dollar industry who just doesn’t fit into their plans. John Elway did it best- the fact that you can still do it doesn’t mean it should be done- and while Favre didn’t go out on top last season, the records he broke will solidify his legacy in the NFL. There’s not much more you can ask for in a career like #4’s, and now instead of negotiating the short term comeback and the proverbial drop kick to Aaron Rogers, he should be back at home and focusing on his future; building his own long term strategy.

As seen on CoEdMagazine.com

By Jim Kelly Jr.

Leather seats sticking to your legs? Having to “adjust yourself” every three seconds because your board shorts have the ventilation capacity of a Ziplock freezer bag? Gentlemen the summer is upon us, and the same season that produces sweat stains and shaved chests for you, is the same one that brings out the best girls in life; The Girls of Summer. These girls are the reason you stick it out through the sweater and Ugg boots months just waiting for short dresses and bikinis to come pushing up through the earth like daises or your yard’s groundhog problem. They come in all shapes and sizes (skinny preferred), with different personalities and, well, assets. So how do you know who is who and just how to woo them? Take notes and read on to…

The Girls of Summer:

The Fashionista
She’s so trendy the trend isn’t even a trend yet- it’s like playing Sega Genesis when everyone was playing Duck Hunt. Her shoes are hot in Serbia, her dress is hot in France, and she’s hot in your brain. She knows she’s a knockout as she struts her stuff into Starbucks and then off to learn Kabbalah while sporting sun glasses that double as a motorcycle helmet. Woo her with celebrity gossip and a borderline gay knowledge of fashion designer’s names.

The Illusionist
She’s got you ball-parking her age at anywhere between 14 and 32. She’s got you telling your friend’s she’s the hottest girl you’ve ever seen as long as she isn’t capable of sending you to jail on dates. The rule of thumb is this: if she’s got the best body you’ve ever seen then she’s too young, as any girl your age has had a few years of binge drinking and a few trips on the boyfriend express to leave her a little bit like a second hand pair of rollerblades- you can still roll but the wheels are a little worn down. Woo the young one with Milton Bradley board games and Miley Cyrus on your iPod.

The Walk of Shame Girl
She’s the girl you see on the sidewalk as you drive by early one morning on your way to the beach. She looks like she’s dressed like a model that’s on her way to Denny’s, a bedazzled dress and a Grand Slam breakfast, but the truth is you’re witnessing last night’s version 2.0 of her. You see, she’s on her way home putting the snapshots of the night before together in her head and wondering if anyone notices her hair looks like a dog dried itself off after a bath up there. Woo her with Advil and a garden hose with the ‘power wash’ setting on.

The Beach Girl
She’s reading Cosmo with a bottle of water and enough tanning oil to make gas prices drop 30 cents. She’s been laying out 10 yards from your set up for 5 hours, never once going in the water, a phenomenon you can’t understand because it’s so hot you just spend the last half hour sitting in the surf seeing how much sand will go up your shorts. You can’t talk to her because she hasn’t opened her eyes since you’ve been here and her iPod is so loud you can hear that John Mayer live album from here. Woo her with magazines and Fiji water unless she saw the way you tip toed into the water for 30 minutes periodically back and forth and making the ‘ooo its cold’ face. Then you’ve got no chance.

The Latina
Aye papi is that 1999 J-Lo walking down the street? Is this a Trick Daddy video? My goodness she is one hot mamacita. She’s the girl that makes you think that Daddy Yankee had the right idea. She’s usually shaped in some hourglass form and walking down the street in a tube top contraption that makes you wonder how things are being held into place. For fun you could put drinks on her ass as she walks by just to see how far she could go without spilling them/ noticing they’re there. I think I’ve watched too many rap videos. Woo her with cherry blow pops and loose fitted clothing.

The Hippie Chick
She’s a rare bread- a girl who looks like she doesn’t shower everyday/week yet still looks hot. If you’re a percentages man, and I think you are, there’s like a 98.5% chance hippie girl isn’t hot. If you do find one though, she’ll be in the folk music section of Borders, holding books about candle making and sipping on a Chai latte. She might be rocking low cut jeans, a hat operation of some sort, and a hemp necklace. She has black rimmed glasses. You like black rimmed glasses. Woo her with meditation techniques and the Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx.

The Lifeguard
She’s responsible for your life, but the way she looks has got you paying attention to her twirling a whistle and not the dangerous rip tide pulling you out 3 miles. You go in the water just to turn your back on the waves crashing down on you and stare at her in her solid color lifeguard bathing suit. Of course this leaves you constantly getting pummeled in the water and feeling as awkward as when you try and sing the second verse of Lil Wayne’s Lollipop (look it up). Woo her with sun tan lotion and what Squints did in The Sandlot to Wendy Peffercorn.

The Convertible Jetta Girl
Also known as Convertible PT Cruiser girl and artist formerly known as Convertible Mazda Miata girl, she’s the girl in the sun glasses and flowing hair most likely on the way to becoming The Beach Girl. She’ll usually have friends with her too, and stopping at a red light they’ll probably be blasting Jason Mraz and yelling about how much of a bitch friend-not-there is over the tunes. Be careful, for she can double as The Illusionist. Woo her with iTunes gift cards and Gwen Stefani tickets.

The Milf
She wears Daisy Dukes and remembers watching her on TV. She has a low cut tank top on and remembers the Carter administration. She’s in the produce aisle checking the ripeness of this season’s peaches while you’re thinking you’d really like to shake her tree. She’s a Milf, no explanation needed, just use your imagination. Woo her with the Food Network, grape cosmos, and Joni Mitchell albums.

The Foreigner
She’s so elusive, mainly because she doesn’t speak good English. She’s got that European/Brazilian/She’s not from around here hotness going on. You can usually tell by gravity defying bikinis, yelling in another language, and high cheek bones (don’t ask me why). She’s the reason you want to visit Rio de Janeiro, Milan, and Madrid- in the same week. She’s the reason you bought a pocket language dictionary to figure out how to say ‘nude beach’ in her language. Woo her with hand held American flags and US dollars she can take back to her country and wallpaper her home with.

The Bartender
She’s the girl who’s been serving you all night and watching as your “Jager Bomb please” order has evolved in “Hhhhagaer Fomb pwease”. She’ll have a low cut ensemble, just hot enough to make you never complain if it takes her 40 minutes to get you a drink because her ex-boyfriend is whispering sweet douchbagery into her ear.
Woo her with purchasing enough shots for the both of you for her to disregard any other customer.

The Indie Chick
With an a cool combination of style and attitude, The Indie Chick is a rare breed. Not because there are a lack of indie chicks, as they’ll usually be found in any retro coffee shop brooding over poetry and purple hair dye, but because the style is transitory–by next year, she’ll be into something completely different. Truly the Holy Grail of The Girls of Summer, The Indie Chick will almost be undoubtedly more than you can handle, as she’ll preach anarchy to you in between complaining about how her father would never hug her as a child.
Woo her with spike necklaces and industrial vats of face makeup to hide the tan she’s got this season.

The Executive
The Office Girl makes corporate America look like Deal or No Deal. This summer she’s out for her lunch break, walking in heels so high she should have American flag pants on and passing out flyers to Bob’s Discount Tire. With a skirt so short and a shirt (I feel awkward using the word blouse) so low she will easily “climb” her way to the top.
Woo her with a Prada phone and your own 401k.

The Yoga Girl
Any major metropolitan city has her; in touch with her inner-soul and decked out in spandex pants so tight she has to shave them in the shower. She’ll be the girl you can’t date because she’s booked with Yoga and dance meditation classes 40 hours a week as she learns about why she is the way she is and why you aren’t the way she wants you to be.
Woo her with lotus flowers and The Karate Kid II on DVD.

The MILF
She wears Daisy Dukes and remembers watching her on TV. She has a low cut tank top on and remembers the Carter administration. She’s in the produce aisle checking the ripeness of this season’s peaches while you’re thinking you’d really like to shake her tree. She’s a MILF, no explanation needed, just use your imagination.
Woo her with the Food Network, grape cosmos, and Joni Mitchell albums.

The Last Resort
She’s the girl you latch on to around 3:30am as your friends decide which McDonalds to go to after a long night of heavy drinking. With the tolerance of a new born baby and the stature of a Dogwood tree you’re easily scanning over her head if there’s any other viable option to accompany you on this glorious evening. There isn’t, and as the moonlight softly reflects off her upper lip fur you grab a hold of her muffin top and go confidently into the night.
Woo her with nothing, nothing at all.

Use this guide the next time you venture away from your computer into the summer heat. The Girls of Summer come only once a year, and you’ll have to strike while the weather is hot, until it’s back to hoodie’s and sweatpants.

At least then you won’t regret your leather seats anymore.

By Jim Kelly Jr.

Jenga is a dumb game.

Apparently these people want you to build a tower out of blocks, then take piece by piece away, hoping that your piece doesn't make the tower topple to the ground. If your tower does fall then everyone is supposed to be happy about it. Why would you be happy about scattering blocks all over the place? It just took like 8 minutes to put those up- if that's what you wanted just open the box and throw them on the floor and scream JENGA! Same effect.

The good people at Hasbro though instilled this image into my mind whenever I think about the 2008 Mets. It's July, and what was a season of up and down misery is now a season of hope- and it only took about a week. The doubt portrayed by everyone, including myself (ie. Two Parts Too Many post), is somehow lifting as the Mets fired off 8 wins in their past 10 games, leaving the naysayers trying to explain their position like having to explain why I Drive Myself Crazy by N*SYNC came on when your Ipod was on shuffle. How'd the team do it? With the likes of one hit wonders like Fernando Tatis. With turn back the clock phenoms like Carlos Delgado (I fully expect that sentence is going to bite me in the ass). And unlikely hero's like Mike Pelfrey and Argenis Reyes, or as I like to call him: Who?

The logic behind all this is simple. This year the Mets are infinitely fragile, and watching them day in and day out is a collective wait-until-something-horrible-happens type of moment, which is what I imagine people around Lindsay Lohan think when they go out drinking/eating/to Target with her. The Mets are a Jenga tower filled with vulnerable pieces. Ryan Church dislodges his brain and now has Michelle Tanner-like amnesia on the DL: pull a piece. Carlos Delgado hovers around .200 to start the season, only to raise his average 15 points in the past 10 days, yet the I'll-believe-it-when-I-see-it mentality remains: pull a piece. Moises 'Porcelain Doll' Alou gets hurt in a minor league rehab game and is likely out for his life: pull a piece. Billy Wagner blows 6 saves before the All Star break yet still makes the All Star team: flick out one of those easy middle pieces.

The tower still stands though, stronger than ever now as the team for the first time since early September '07 actually looks like a team. Reyes is yelling joyfully again from the top step of the dug out as guys like Wright are laughing in a what he said moment (sometimes I think Wright and Reyes hang out and Reyes tells jokes in Spanish yet Wright still laughs anyways because he wants to be bffs - jirafa! haha good one Jose). Beltran is hitting with men on base and guys like Aaron Heilman can throw strikes that aren't being hit to JFK runways.

Still I say things like this with a huge feeling of uncertainty, hoping the tower doesn't begin to sway like someone's phone was on vibrate next to it. The feeling comes from 2007, the biggest collapse in major league baseball history thus producing the forever "at least my team didn't blow a 7 game lead with 17 games to play" comment from Yankees/Braves/People Who Don't Even Know Baseball fans. Mets fans are collectively like the dog that's been backhanded so much that when his owner raises their hand it winces in the corner. When Billy botched three saves in a row he raised his hand, and Mets fans had been hit so hard last year just the anticipation was enough to make us put our tails between our legs and never drag our ass on the carpet again.

Yet right now the Mets stand just 1.5 games back from the City of Brotherly Crap and about to wage a three game series against the flash in the pan Rockies. Throw in the last game of the series being Sunday Night Baseball on ESPN to kick the All Star festivities the next two days and the Mets could be on center stage wrapping up a heck of a two week span.

Still we hold our breath and sit uneasily pitch by pitch, waiting for the tower to fall. You never know though- the Phils get handled by the D-backs and the Mets sweep Colorado making it 9 in a row and sole possession of first place.

Pull a piece.


Random-oniums:

-Turns out Josh Hamilton is really good at baseball. He's torching the AL right now having the season of his life, but the one thing I find most impressive: when he hits a home run at home the music from The Natural plays. Are you kidding me? Isn't this the wish of anyone who's ever even seen The Natural? I don't know how many times I used to hit whiffle balls in the air and sing wah-nahhh, wah-nah-nah-nahhh out loud as if I was a right handed Roy Hobbs. I don't know how many times I will do this in the future. This is why I wish more fans got a visit from Kazaam (Shaq) and wished to be the best player in MLB, because if I had that chance not only would I bask in my moment as the music played, I would pay a guy to stand in the upper deck and pour buckets of broken glass down on the field.

-Just to elaborate on Moises Alou- has there ever been anyone this vulnerable? The only name that comes to mind is Mike Hampton, who I'm sure started an Internet support group where he and guys like Alou, Bo Jackson, Joe Theisman, and Grant Hill talk about their feelings.

-Mark Mulder is one who could join the list soon, as he takes yet another step back and is placed on the DL today. It's scary to think that the Cards are fighting for first without Mulder and Chris Carpenter. What's scarier is that Tony LaRussa doesn't age.

-Richie Sexson gets released, and you can't tell me that the Mariner's management thinks about that $64,000,000 contract and doesn't throw up in their mouths. If I owned a team and had to release a player that I had to pay out 64 mill to I would easily be hugging the bowl for 3 days straight, and sweating out even signing guys to league minimum claiming that I didn't want to get burned again.

-If you're a Rays fan do you get nervous as the team takes a stumble here before the All Star break, or do you not care because they could win only 16 more games and still have the best season you've ever seen?

-If i saw Tony LaRussa at Wal-Mart or somewhere, and he wasn't wearing a hat, I wouldn't recognize him. You can't tell me you would either.