By Jim Kelly Jr.

Want to get into the Olympic spirit? Want to partake in an event that makes you proud to compete for world recognition? Want to create enough staggering drunk people you’ll think you’re at a Lohan family dinner? Then look no more, as your competitive spirit will soar when you partake in Beer Olympics.

The rules, regulations, and BAC for Beer Olympics are always different to anyone who has ever played, but my goal here is to give you the basic guidelines so that you too can one day stand proud on a podium, a beer in one hand, your pride in another, and claim you are the best competitor your party has ever seen that given night.

The Equipment:
You’ll need a keg or two, just for beer pouring purposes and number of participants. Having a keg will allow you to truly never stop drinking, which is of course in the spirit of competition and will lead to more plot twists in your night than an episode of Lost. You will also need these items in no particular order: a bat, ping pong balls, hard alcohol, shot glasses, a funnel, generic red solo cups, and ten or so worthy drunkards. Your participants are the most important factor next to the beer, as for they will have to be ready to not only compete, but compete drunkenly, and potentially throw up on each other. As for apparel you’ll want to wear things that accentuate your drinking abilities, like an old little league uniform or some UPS delivery guy duds; you know something that makes sense. Also hanging motivational posters are a plus; remember Impossible is Nothing.

The Rules, Events, and Ways to Become a Champion:
In the real Olympics (the one without the beer) there are multiple events with solo and/or team competitors all vying for medals in a variety of sports. You don’t have the time, energy, or alcohol tolerance to do any of this, so the best way to have the most fun while getting the largest number of competitors involved is the Team Relay event. Take your participants and split them in half, preferably in old school kickball pick-teams style, and be sure to choose your team wisely as they’ll have to be skilled in all areas of drinking and boast a very high alcohol tolerance, an uncanny ability to play drinking games, and most likely an embarrassing GPA. Now that you’ve got your team and forced them through the random drug testing, to make sure that they are inebriated, you can move on to the competition.

Dizzy Bat- Each team will pick a leadoff man, built for speed and chugging ability to pull out to an early lead, and face them off against each other after the opening ceremonies when you played The Thong Song and held your beer to your mouth until it was gone. After a shotgun start the players must chug a beer, then spin around their bats ten times before running off to the next event. If you can pad your walls do so as after they spin you’ll have a few potential Gary Busey moments during their runs.

Beer Pong- This is where you separate the men from the boys. There are always the exceptional beer pong players, the ones that play at 6pm on a Tuesday night just because there’s nothing else to do, and this is where they’ll need to find their inner MJ-with-the-flu competitor. Hitting 3 beer pong cups normally shouldn’t be a problem for the average guy who drinks 8 nights a week, but after the dizzy bat even the Mathlete has a shot at competing against your team as your teammate most likely will be throwing balls at everyone’s faces (that’s what she said). Hit three cups and move on to…

Flip Cup- This is where you can make up the most ground, or fall painfully and humiliatingly behind. Drink three, flip three, run away.

Quarters- Your mom used to play quarters after smoking something from a conch shell and listening to Peter Frampton Comes Alive. Quarters make a triumphant return during the Beer Olympics though, and hopefully someone has enough throwback skills on your team to be able to bounce a quarter into a shot glass of your favorite I’m-going-to-puke- liquor. Some suggestions would be Jager or Southern Comfort. Give your Mexican team tequila in order to ensure they’ll return all the beer they drank on your front lawn.

The Funnel- Some funnels are won on the boardwalk during your sophomore year of high school summer, while others are born from creativity and a trip to Home Depot. The best funnel would be a two story funnel, one that’ll require two beers being poured into the top and down the tubing into the throat of the competitor. Have a true champion and they’ll down it in no time, but have a Jamaican bobsledder and your teammate will be sifting through more foam than a Chucky E. Cheese pedophile. Down the beers and slap your teammate to start the process again.

Now your team should start to build a sizable lead, or fall depressingly behind. The events allow for anyone to come back at anytime whether it by errant ping pong ball or troubles with SoCo. To spice things up and ensure someone might have to go to the hospital you can play Survivor Beer Olympics, where the worst participant on the losing team is voted off until there one team is completely eliminated. If by some fluke or poor scores from the East Germans a girl should happen to win as outright best Beer Olympic performer the top hit from the song poets The Baha Men should be played as they stand on the podium and bask in their glory. As for the rest of you pick out your own song when you choose who your best performer was, and make sure you take the moment in right then and there. Remember, for one night you were the top performer; the man who battled the odds and took down the competition. Bask in your accomplishment all night, because chances are you won’t remember it tomorrow.