By Jim Kelly Jr.

The 2008 Olympics are upon us, and as we send our nation's best athletes into the smog to compete for world glory no group has a higher profile than the Men's Basketball team. Maybe it's because no other group we're sending makes that much money, is on TV that often, and has more freestyle battles that don't have anything to do with swimming.

The knock on the Men's team is it's too much like a roster straight out of NBA 2K9: too many high scoring stars for an actual team atmosphere to exist. With Kobe, Lebron, D-Wade, and Dwight Howard on the roster there doesn't seem to be much room for any pass-five-times-until-you-shoot basketball, a classic CYO fixture.

This philosophy though, of taking the best of what you have regardless of team chemistry (the same philosophy that works every time in franchise mode of any sports video game you've ever played), can be applied to other everyday activities. Take for example your local favorite, average, plain old, run-of-the mill bar. I'm not talking about your 'glow stick' club, or your sweater vest martini joint, I'm just talking about the place you go to catch a game on a Thursday night or the go-to spot on a regular Saturday night. What if you could collect all your favorite people from that place and put them in the same spot on the same night? Pure weekend magic right? Right. Which is why I've done it for you. I give you your roster for...

The 2008 Average Bar Dream Team

at...

Point Guard:

Older Loud Guy

Older Loud Guy is the guy that shows up around 7:30pm on a Saturday night, starts off with a few beers and is usually seated at the bar talking up the regulars. As the night progresses Older Loud Guy evolves into the true point man- the guy who runs the show, buys you a beer because he noticed you can't get one past the grey haired Hawaiian shirt posse he has around him, and hits on anything that walks by him with a 'hey sweetheart' type attitude. He is essential to your bar, except if you're younger and go out around midnight when he is either in for the night or puking in his El Dorado. The heart is in it but the legs just have too many miles.

Most comparable to: Jason Kidd.

2-Guard:

Just Got Off Work Guy

Just Got Off Work Guy just got off work six hours ago, yet proceeded to keep his suit on just to keep that casual look going out. He is never seated anywhere, because that would require folding his suit jacket nicely somewhere, so he stands outside the chairs around the bar preying on the women who have seated around the bar in hopes that Just Off Work Guy will hit on them (they tell you they're having a Girls Night Out but they know what they're doing- they always know what they're doing). Just Off Work Guy pisses every other guy off in the do-you-really-need-to-be-wearing-a-suit-right-now-this-is-a-freaking-sports-bar-for-Christ's-sake-kind-of-way. But Just Off Work Guy is good, he knows it, guys who hate him know it, Girls Night Out girls know it.

Most comparable to: Kobe Bryant

Small Forward:

Ageless Frat Guy

Ageless Frat Guy might actually still be in a frat, but chances are he's just unsure how to continue life while no longer being in a collegiate fraternity. He still hits on the girls just able to get in the door, still spikes his hair and gets the latest Abercrombie looks down, and still drops Irish Car Bombs every time he goes out. The thing is Ageless Frat Guy does really well for himself, and is a friend to almost everyone at the average bar. Look closer though, as Ageless Frat Guy's hair line looks like it's trying to see his ass, and the circles under his eyes aren't disappearing after the Sunday Morning Hangover. He's not old, just experienced, and it won't be for long until even he wonders when he'll take it to the next level.

Most Comparable to: Lebron James

Power Forward:

Townie Rebel Guy

Townie Rebel Guy is that guy who comes in the bar after being cut early from the bar he works at next door just to hit on the waitstaff that he previously worked with at the bar he just left or the bar that you're actually in. Townie Rebel Guy works everywhere. Townie Rebel Guy does "work" too, as every waitress in town either knows him, knows of him, or has had their OGBYN mention him to them (I promise to never type OBGYN again- I always wondered if they were like girl doctor palaces too, comparable to when you see a glimpse of a ladies room filled with leather couches and plush carpets on your way to the men's room where you pee on the water heater). In other words Townie Rebel Guy can score, and score often, but in the long run the points he racks up aren't clutch shots but rather points picked up in garbage minutes like last call and actually taking out the garbage. If you can understand what that last sentence means then you are a genius.

Most Comparable to: Carmelo Anthony

Center:

Girl Who is Too Hot for This Bar

Girl Who is Too Hot for This Bar just moved into town. She might be in college, or might be taking grad classes, or might be working at Chilli's. No one really knows; she just started coming there a month ago. She is way too hot to be there though. She seems really nice too, and willing to drink, alot, yet still able to hold her liquor. In a mere month's time she's been hit on by so many guys turned the bar into her personal Cheers, everyone, man woman and fake ID child, knows her name. The other week she singly handily beat Older Loud Guy in a chugging contest after he bought her a beer, then preceded to talk about the NFL to three other guys who blacked out from her hot/beer tolerance/sports knowledge post-up. The rest of the bar is just waiting for the worst for her- either she gets a boyfriend, moves away, gives up alcohol, or had a sex change- because no girl is this good this quick.

Most Comparable to: Dwight Howard

First Off the Bench:

Generous When Drunk Guy

Generous When Drunk Guy is the guy you want to make sure both you and him have a designated driver for. You've mastered your position as guy who gets first couple of rounds because as the alcohol flows into Generous When Drunk Guy his Visa magically finds a way to the bartender who asks the infamous line "doyou want to keep it open?" to which he always replies "uhhh...yeah sure why not". He's a quality guy who will get you drunk and best of all get drunk with you. Sometimes he's the go-to guy, sometimes he's the wing man, but he's always an asset to any average bar, one who will buy anyone who had a conversation with him about anything with a shot. Generous When Drunk Guy loves when other people do shots at his expense, and so do you.

Most Comparable to: Dwyane Wade

First Alternate:

Guy who doesn't drink.

Enough said.

Most Comparable to: Stephon Marbury

Head Coach:

Your Longtime Bartender

Your Longtime Bartender isn't your friend, doesn't let you always drink for free, and is only named Greg because that's what is embroidered on his shirt (his real name is Mike). You and Your Longtime Bartender know each other though, through lines like "hey man" and "how's everything going". He knows what beer you like because he's good at his job, and you know what to always compensate him with because you recognize that. A good coach isn't your best friend or your father, he's just your coach and you respect him because of it. Same goes for Your Longtime Bartender, and when he gets you drunk on buy-back shots he comped you with at 2am you'll tell him this paragraph. And if he's a good bartender he'll forget that you did.

Most Comparable to: Mike Krzyzewski

Sure there's a few other stars on the team, but these few players will eat up most of the minutes available at your average bar. As for the Men's Basketball team it'll be interesting to see if they can come together on foreign soil, and for the baby-less girls out there let's hope it isn't because of the work of their longtime bartender.