By Jim Kelly Jr.
Armed with my iPod on and in text message mode I was in “don’t bother me unless the building is on fire” form as I walked into a men’s room in the B terminal of Orlando International Airport the other day. It was there that an older gentlemen (let’s ball park it around 78) was standing confidently at the first urinal a ghastly and unheard of two feet away and peeing out one of the legs of his freakishly short shorts. .Just when I thought that it couldn’t get any more awkward, in this the most public of restrooms, the old rascal let out a rippling fart that had the same effect on the bathroom as bombs do in the movies- complete with initial sonic wave and car-flipping capabilities. I’ve always wondered at what age the senior citizen chromosome kicks in and you no longer give a crap about the way you look/act/sound/drive in public. I think it’s around your early seventies.
The moral of the story is that no matter how hard you try, and just when you thought you’ve seen it all, you can never predict the future.
After an eventful first half of the Major League Baseball season, capped off by a marathon All Star game that went way past George Steinbrenner’s bedtime of “after Wheel of Fortune”, the most important months of baseball are ahead of us. While I claim you can never predict the future, it’s always fun to give it a try. Luckily I get to write my predictions, so I can always look back and see how wrong I was when I present:
20 Predictions for the Second Half of 2008: MLB Edition
1. The White Sox will easily win the AL Central
When looking over their lineup the White Sox look poised to make a run in 2004, except its 2008. It’s been two years since I remembered Jermaine Dye is in the big leagues, but the guy is hitting .306 21HR 56RBI at age 34, proving me ignorant to his first half stats. John Danks has been filthy (2.67 ERA) and he’s joined by an extremely solid starting rotation. The emergence of Carlos Quentin is a driving force but with a lineup that has the likes of Dye, Jim Thome, Orlando Cabrera, A.J Pierzynski, and Paul Konerko these guys seem more like a changing diapers watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond team than a young pack of go-getters. Still the AL Central isn’t nearly what anyone thought it would be as most of the contenders turned out pretenders, so the Sox will ride their pitching and Loco Ozzie to October.
2. The Mets will make the playoffs behind solid starting pitching from Santana, Maine, and Pelfrey.
I hope so or else the MLB Package will receive a pretty stern letter as to why I should receive compensation for the 82-80 season I just watched.
3. Jason Giambi will give America another reason to hate Yankee fans
So Giambi does look pretty funny with a mustache, sort of like a former juicer turned porn star- so basically like real life. But you just know that since a few weeks ago Sal, Big Tony, and ‘Joey Pink Belly’ have been growing their mustaches out so they can sit down the right field line and spend nine innings trying to get The Giambino to look at them. This will most likely take place on Fox Sunday Baseball where Tim McCarver will go off on a tangent about the 1973 World Series and how mustaches were popular until he has to be sedated with a horse tranquilizer.
4. Shawn Chacon will find Jesus
He’ll need all the help God can get him to find another job pitching in MLB. Side note- I always love hearing when athletes “find Jesus”, as they went down to Borders and bought a Where’s Jesus book where in 13 different scenarios you have to find the bearded carpenter. Scenarios include but are not limited to: Jesus at the Mall Food Court, Jesus at the Baseball Game, Jesus at the Zoo, Jesus in Times Square, etc.
5. Mike Hampton will return
He’ll pitch 2 2/3 innings 3ER 5K 2BB and his bones will disintegrate.
6. Barry Bonds will return to baseball
It’s cloudy as to what team he’ll return to, but Barry could either help an AL contender get to the next level (Detroit?) or a floundering team sell tickets (Seattle?). I bet Barry doesn’t have any friends.
7. Josh Hamilton will levitate
True I may have a man crush (as seen in The Natural- previous article), but so does every other baseball fan out there. The guy could hit half of what he did in the first few months of the season and still have a great year at the plate. He dazzled the world in the Home Run Derby, has nearly 100 RBIs in the first half of 2008, and found Jesus at the Train Station. The only thing left is to do is hover.
8. The Rays will regain form and make the playoffs
The pitching is just too good, and once Troy Percival comes off the DL and continues his Turn Back the Clock season, the staff should be rounded out nicely. They do have to worry about the Bash Brother teams of the AL East making a blockbuster deadline deal, but barring a Matt Holiday-type move The Rays should pan out to a wild card berth and pandemonium in the dome. Adding another dependable bat and/or arm could go a long way, but with super phenom David Price and artist formerly known as Rocco Baldelli waiting to be called up their needs could be solved in-house.
9. The Royals will make a late surge towards .500 and be the ultimate late season spoilers
Quick name six Royals players. I don’t think even Trey Hillman could do that (quick who’s Trey Hillman?).
10. The Mariners will fire sale everyone off but Ichiro and Felix Hernandez
There will be so many youngsters coming over in trades that King Felix and Ichiro will spend most of their days babysitting. Although Hernandez is still a baby himself, so Ichiro will just be like that substitute teacher you used to have who had an incomprehensible accent that would just give up and read the paper after you spent the first half of the period refusing to quiet down. Ichiro will also pick up shifts as a lunch monitor.
11. The Padres will sink even more into the depths of the NL
Do me a favor and look up the active roster for the Padres. Now take out Adrian Gonzalez, and what do you have? Nothing. This lineup like couldn’t even scare Shaggy and the gang (dorky). Still the Padres refuse to completely rebuild, clinging to Maddux, Hoffman, and Giles for reasons of respect if nothing else. Speaking of Brian Giles, looking back at his numbers this guy has been done for a few years now, and while he’s batting .301 on the season, having 15 home runs or less for the fourth season in a row isn’t exactly starting corner outfield material. Zoinks.
12. Jose Reyes will become even more jaded with the New York media
Reyes is having the best all around statistical season of his career. The Mets win when he plays well and lose when he doesn’t, but if he shows an ounce of negative emotion the New York media spins it to look as if he does everything short of peeing his pants on the field and sitting Indian style on second base refusing to move until the Barney tape is rewound. The fans and media alike love it when he’s laughing and clapping and generally being fired up, so they should be accept when the exact opposite comes out after an error or tough break. He’s an animated guy, and he’ll lose that if that’s all he ever hears about in the clubhouse after the game.
13. Cliff Lee will have 30% of the Indians wins
As of July 18, 2008 the Royals are better than the team that many people thought were World Series bound. As Chris Rock would say “dat’s just radikalous”.
14. Big Papi will return with mixed results
Ortiz coming off the DL and being the shape he’s in (think Eat Like a Man box at Taco Bell) he can’t possibly immediately jump into Big Papi form. He’ll struggle throughout the remainder of the season until somewhere in the playoffs, as I have the Sox winning the division, he’ll turn it on, crushing the hopes and dreams of The Rays and solidifying the Red Sox nationally as The New Yankees- a team that destroys the underdog and has an enormous national fan base.
15. C.C. Sabathia will ex
plode
Beer, brats, and Prince Fielder? Sabathia will reach David Wells Status by 2009 while in Milwaukee; yet still propel the franchise to a status they haven’t seen in many years: contender. I would pay money for a picture of Cecil Fielder, Prince Fielder, and C.C. Sabathia together and then place it next to a movie still from Nutty Professor II: The Klumps.
16. The A’s will be annoying
Even year since Billy Beane took over the A’s, so since 1913 or so, the young boys from Oakland have played scrappy small ball with a revolving door-like cast of characters. Sometimes they even win their division. Terrific. The A’s just do not produce October baseball teams; whether it be a lack of big game pitching or a looming lineup presence, their roster is never that of World Series caliber. Even after trading both Rich Harden and Joe Blanton the A’s will most likely be like a fly in a Chinese restaurant and never leave you or your pork fried rice alone. If they are going to make a run in the playoffs they’ll need to catch fire, literally, as in men on fire scaring teams off the field.
17. Tony Clark will jo
in the cast of The Golden Girls
Not really, but he should look into doing Just For Men (the rejuvenator!) commercials as he’s 36 but looks like he worked a trade to Arizona for his active adult retirement community. That community also includes Dave Roberts as community president, Jamie Moyer as head of the recycling program, and Julio Franco as senior social director.
18. The Angels will falter
If the The A’s will be annoying and Josh Hamilton will levitate then someone has to pay for their actions. The Angels play Seattle eight times in September, sandwiched between Texas, Oakland, New York, Detroit and Chicago. If Seattle is going to be a young team of guys trying to prove they belong in the big leagues, and if that’s what Oakland always is anyways, then the Angels have a tough road ahead of them. Starting pitching has been, and will continue to have to be, their key to success.
19. Francisco Liriano returns with a vengeance
He was just too good before he got hurt and is still phenomenal in video games.
20. Steve Bartman will strike again
I’ll believe it when I see it is the term that comes to mind when so many people expect the Cubs to be in the World Series. This team has had a pet goat, a black cat, and a headphones-wearing guy ruin their collective playoff hopes in the past century. Expect a Triceratops to bust through the center field wall and doom the Cubbies again.
20 Predictions for the Second Half of 2008: MLB Edition
1. The White Sox will easily win the AL Central
When looking over their lineup the White Sox look poised to make a run in 2004, except its 2008. It’s been two years since I remembered Jermaine Dye is in the big leagues, but the guy is hitting .306 21HR 56RBI at age 34, proving me ignorant to his first half stats. John Danks has been filthy (2.67 ERA) and he’s joined by an extremely solid starting rotation. The emergence of Carlos Quentin is a driving force but with a lineup that has the likes of Dye, Jim Thome, Orlando Cabrera, A.J Pierzynski, and Paul Konerko these guys seem more like a changing diapers watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond team than a young pack of go-getters. Still the AL Central isn’t nearly what anyone thought it would be as most of the contenders turned out pretenders, so the Sox will ride their pitching and Loco Ozzie to October.
2. The Mets will make the playoffs behind solid starting pitching from Santana, Maine, and Pelfrey.
I hope so or else the MLB Package will receive a pretty stern letter as to why I should receive compensation for the 82-80 season I just watched.
3. Jason Giambi will give America another reason to hate Yankee fans
So Giambi does look pretty funny with a mustache, sort of like a former juicer turned porn star- so basically like real life. But you just know that since a few weeks ago Sal, Big Tony, and ‘Joey Pink Belly’ have been growing their mustaches out so they can sit down the right field line and spend nine innings trying to get The Giambino to look at them. This will most likely take place on Fox Sunday Baseball where Tim McCarver will go off on a tangent about the 1973 World Series and how mustaches were popular until he has to be sedated with a horse tranquilizer.
4. Shawn Chacon will find Jesus
He’ll need all the help God can get him to find another job pitching in MLB. Side note- I always love hearing when athletes “find Jesus”, as they went down to Borders and bought a Where’s Jesus book where in 13 different scenarios you have to find the bearded carpenter. Scenarios include but are not limited to: Jesus at the Mall Food Court, Jesus at the Baseball Game, Jesus at the Zoo, Jesus in Times Square, etc.
5. Mike Hampton will return
He’ll pitch 2 2/3 innings 3ER 5K 2BB and his bones will disintegrate.
6. Barry Bonds will return to baseball
It’s cloudy as to what team he’ll return to, but Barry could either help an AL contender get to the next level (Detroit?) or a floundering team sell tickets (Seattle?). I bet Barry doesn’t have any friends.
7. Josh Hamilton will levitate
True I may have a man crush (as seen in The Natural- previous article), but so does every other baseball fan out there. The guy could hit half of what he did in the first few months of the season and still have a great year at the plate. He dazzled the world in the Home Run Derby, has nearly 100 RBIs in the first half of 2008, and found Jesus at the Train Station. The only thing left is to do is hover.
8. The Rays will regain form and make the playoffs
The pitching is just too good, and once Troy Percival comes off the DL and continues his Turn Back the Clock season, the staff should be rounded out nicely. They do have to worry about the Bash Brother teams of the AL East making a blockbuster deadline deal, but barring a Matt Holiday-type move The Rays should pan out to a wild card berth and pandemonium in the dome. Adding another dependable bat and/or arm could go a long way, but with super phenom David Price and artist formerly known as Rocco Baldelli waiting to be called up their needs could be solved in-house.
9. The Royals will make a late surge towards .500 and be the ultimate late season spoilers
Quick name six Royals players. I don’t think even Trey Hillman could do that (quick who’s Trey Hillman?).
10. The Mariners will fire sale everyone off but Ichiro and Felix Hernandez
There will be so many youngsters coming over in trades that King Felix and Ichiro will spend most of their days babysitting. Although Hernandez is still a baby himself, so Ichiro will just be like that substitute teacher you used to have who had an incomprehensible accent that would just give up and read the paper after you spent the first half of the period refusing to quiet down. Ichiro will also pick up shifts as a lunch monitor.
11. The Padres will sink even more into the depths of the NL
Do me a favor and look up the active roster for the Padres. Now take out Adrian Gonzalez, and what do you have? Nothing. This lineup like couldn’t even scare Shaggy and the gang (dorky). Still the Padres refuse to completely rebuild, clinging to Maddux, Hoffman, and Giles for reasons of respect if nothing else. Speaking of Brian Giles, looking back at his numbers this guy has been done for a few years now, and while he’s batting .301 on the season, having 15 home runs or less for the fourth season in a row isn’t exactly starting corner outfield material. Zoinks.
12. Jose Reyes will become even more jaded with the New York media
Reyes is having the best all around statistical season of his career. The Mets win when he plays well and lose when he doesn’t, but if he shows an ounce of negative emotion the New York media spins it to look as if he does everything short of peeing his pants on the field and sitting Indian style on second base refusing to move until the Barney tape is rewound. The fans and media alike love it when he’s laughing and clapping and generally being fired up, so they should be accept when the exact opposite comes out after an error or tough break. He’s an animated guy, and he’ll lose that if that’s all he ever hears about in the clubhouse after the game.
13. Cliff Lee will have 30% of the Indians wins
As of July 18, 2008 the Royals are better than the team that many people thought were World Series bound. As Chris Rock would say “dat’s just radikalous”.
14. Big Papi will return with mixed results
Ortiz coming off the DL and being the shape he’s in (think Eat Like a Man box at Taco Bell) he can’t possibly immediately jump into Big Papi form. He’ll struggle throughout the remainder of the season until somewhere in the playoffs, as I have the Sox winning the division, he’ll turn it on, crushing the hopes and dreams of The Rays and solidifying the Red Sox nationally as The New Yankees- a team that destroys the underdog and has an enormous national fan base.
15. C.C. Sabathia will ex
plodeBeer, brats, and Prince Fielder? Sabathia will reach David Wells Status by 2009 while in Milwaukee; yet still propel the franchise to a status they haven’t seen in many years: contender. I would pay money for a picture of Cecil Fielder, Prince Fielder, and C.C. Sabathia together and then place it next to a movie still from Nutty Professor II: The Klumps.
16. The A’s will be annoying
Even year since Billy Beane took over the A’s, so since 1913 or so, the young boys from Oakland have played scrappy small ball with a revolving door-like cast of characters. Sometimes they even win their division. Terrific. The A’s just do not produce October baseball teams; whether it be a lack of big game pitching or a looming lineup presence, their roster is never that of World Series caliber. Even after trading both Rich Harden and Joe Blanton the A’s will most likely be like a fly in a Chinese restaurant and never leave you or your pork fried rice alone. If they are going to make a run in the playoffs they’ll need to catch fire, literally, as in men on fire scaring teams off the field.
17. Tony Clark will jo
in the cast of The Golden GirlsNot really, but he should look into doing Just For Men (the rejuvenator!) commercials as he’s 36 but looks like he worked a trade to Arizona for his active adult retirement community. That community also includes Dave Roberts as community president, Jamie Moyer as head of the recycling program, and Julio Franco as senior social director.
18. The Angels will falter
If the The A’s will be annoying and Josh Hamilton will levitate then someone has to pay for their actions. The Angels play Seattle eight times in September, sandwiched between Texas, Oakland, New York, Detroit and Chicago. If Seattle is going to be a young team of guys trying to prove they belong in the big leagues, and if that’s what Oakland always is anyways, then the Angels have a tough road ahead of them. Starting pitching has been, and will continue to have to be, their key to success.
19. Francisco Liriano returns with a vengeance
He was just too good before he got hurt and is still phenomenal in video games.
20. Steve Bartman will strike again
I’ll believe it when I see it is the term that comes to mind when so many people expect the Cubs to be in the World Series. This team has had a pet goat, a black cat, and a headphones-wearing guy ruin their collective playoff hopes in the past century. Expect a Triceratops to bust through the center field wall and doom the Cubbies again.
AL Playoffs: Red Sox, White Sox, A's Wildcard- Rays
NL Playoffs: Mets, Cubs, Dodgers, Wildcard- Brewers
World Series: Red Sox over Cubs
Posts
21. The Braves will make the playoffs.
Witty pun. Ironic Statement, late 80s pop culture reference. The Braves will make the playoffs.
You write about sports in the same manner I think about them, but only I don't know how to put it in words.
Your list is both funny and accurate. You are a gift to the World Wide Blog of Sports.
22. I lied about the mets, the white sox, and the AL east might play baseball instead of becoming balloon animal clowns @ the media circus.
23. Boston Red Sox fans might actually grow to love their team more than they hate The Yankees. The bandwagon shrinks soon thereafter.